


Chant

by BeeAnka



Series: Sing Me A Song Of Despair [13]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Angst, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-01 07:58:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13290507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeeAnka/pseuds/BeeAnka
Summary: Sayaka tries to celebrate her birthday with Mukuro, but is plagued by unpleasant memories and regrets.





	1. Uno

**Author's Note:**

> Art by my wonderful gf: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/169396374011 (she maintains she has no art style, but it's good either way)
> 
> Another two part chapter, but this time I'm gonna post the second part next Saturday. I know, I know, I feel bad about it too, but it got so long that I just couldn't get it done on time. But hey, technically this part here is as long as other chapters in this series, so I don't feel THAT terrible about it. And honestly, I just want more time to write the second part because this chapter is really important to me.
> 
> Sayaka gets a POV chapter at last. I've been looking forward to it.
> 
> Also, did you all know Sayaka's idol group doesn't have a tag on this site? That's criminal. (or at least I couldn't find it)

* * *

 

_Spending most of her day sitting in front of the television is nothing new for Sayaka, but during her eighth birthday she realizes for the first time how much she resents it._

_She's alone, like always. Dad has to work the entire day. Mother has abandoned them both._

_That's okay though, because her real Mom is on the screen in front of her. Sayaka loves hearing the songs, of course, but what she loves even more is when Mom takes a break from them to talk to her. It's what she always looks forward to the most throughout the entire day._

_(She has to ignore most of the words, and even with that and her young age she isn't naive enough to believe the woman is really just talking to her. It feels good to pretend otherwise though.)_

_"-and don't forget! Believe in yourself and one day your dreams will blossom like a flower! I believe in you too, so make sure to work hard!"_

_Mom makes a heart sign with both of her hands, smiling brightly, and Sayaka feels a thrill inside of her. She won't disappoint her. She'll be just like Mom when she's older._

_(She'll show Mother how stupid she was being when she ran away, what she missed out on.)_

_Sayaka is already pretty -- everyone always say so -- but she needs to sing and dance well too._

_Of course, she's always chickening out of actually trying both... what if she isn't any good at either? But today..._

_Being all alone on her birthday... always being all alone..._

_She is upset enough to get over her fear._

_Stupid Tomoe got a big birthday party where everyone showered him with attention and presents. Sayaka has enough friends on her own, so where is her own party? It's Dad's fault for never having any time for her. It's Mother's fault for not being here._

_At least she still has Mom._

_That's why today, her heart thumping violently in her chest, Sayaka stands up and sings and dances along with Mom. It feels clumsy at first, enough for a part of her to want to give up and cry, but she persists._

_She persists until the show is over. Afterwards, she looks Mom's songs up on the computer and continues. She has to stop when her voice starts giving out, when her legs feel so weak she thinks she's going to fall over any second._

_When Dad comes home in the evening, with a cake for her, and presents, and balloons, she excitedly runs up to him and starts yelling. "Dad, Dad, I'm gonna be an idol when I'm big! Watch!" It's hard to pull the song off when she feels like collapsing any second, but she has to show her success to someone._

_Dad doesn't make enough money to spoil her with expensive gifts, so he tries to make up (he feels guilty for never being there too, doesn't he?) for it by being indulgent towards her in other ways; whether it's her wanting to stay up well past her bedtime, eating a tiny little more candy than she's allowed to... or, in this case, getting his attention while his hands are still full and he's barely walked into their small flat. "I'm watching, Sayaka." He says, shooting her a smile that fills her with confidence._

_So even though her entire body hurts, she puts every last shred of strength she can muster up into the performance, forces her voice to sound as melodic as she can make it sound, pushes her body to its limits. Despite being so exhausted, when she finishes the song off with Mom's signature pose she feels an immense feeling of satisfaction wash over her._

_That feeling is reflected in Dad's face. She can tell he isn't just pretending to be awed, he really is, and the thought alone makes her so happy she feels like bursting. "That was amazing! BLOOM better watch out, because her newest rival is called Maizono Sayaka!"_

_A part of her feels put off, having her Mom referred to by that name, but she can't let Dad know about that. He wouldn't understand it, or get sad because it would make him think of Mother._

_(Even though Mom and Mother have nothing in common at all.)_

_So instead of complaining, she hugs him around the waist. "I'm gonna be a star! I'm gonna work hard, I promise!"_

_"I know better than anyone that you're a hard worker, Sayaka!" Dad laughs. "But even superstars need to eat. Don't you want to eat your birthday cake?"_

_Sayaka stares at the chocolate cake Dad is holding. She feels so hungry she could probably eat the entire thing in one bite. "Idols shouldn't eat so much sugary stuff though, should they?" She asks with a pout. She really wants to eat the cake, but knows it'd be bad for her. Wouldn't Mom feel ashamed of her if she ate something unhealthy like this?_

_"Your birthday is only once a year!" Dad says. "Besides, all that dancing probably made you really hungry and tired. You need the energy."_

_Sayaka can't -- and doesn't want to -- argue with that, so she quickly nods. She eats her birthday cake together with Dad, going on so much about becoming an idol that she starts choking on it at one point, whereupon Dad, ruffling her hair, asks her not to speak with food in her mouth._

_That night, she goes to sleep feeling restless, but in a good way -- the kind of restless one gets when they're too pumped up about something. She'll become an idol. She definitely will. Dad already supports her. Even if he's never here._

_(And she is ashamed for resenting him. She knows it's not his fault, that he's never here. He has to work so much so they don't become homeless or starve, and she's hardly the only child who has to spend most of the day alone... but she has no one else to blame for her loneliness. Her friends hardly help with that. She blames Mother sometimes, but Mother isn't here. Resenting someone who is here is so much easier, so much more gratifying.)_

_Over the next year, Sayaka works tirelessly, determination burning in her heart like magma inside an active volcano._

_She loudly proclaims her dream to the other children in elementary school, but gets laughed at. No one wants to watch her performance when she's trying to prove them wrong about her. Some are already making fun of her for being poor and wearing secondhand clothing all the time, and it seems to get worse afterwards. Even her friends don't take her seriously._

_Her desire to make them regret their mockery only fuels her determination._

_There's sweat, tears, blood, cramps, vomit, hunger, and, worst of all, a lot of concern from Dad. The concern brings forth lectures. The lectures eventually turn into threats to forbid her from practicing._

_One night, she can hear him talk on the phone to a friend, telling them that he doesn't know what to do, that Sayaka is acting 'crazy, like possessed' and 'not her age'. That what he thought would just be a 'short little phase' became 'an obsession'._

_Sayaka feels betrayed, hurt that Dad thinks like this about her dream, and what started out as resentment slowly turns into hate. Both consciously and subconsciously, she starts acting colder towards him._

_When her ninth birthday arrives, Dad comes home with a cake, trying to convince her to eat some of it. "Sayaka, please, you need to eat more. You're skinny like a stick. It's your birthday."_

_"You just want me to get fat, to ruin my dream!" Sayaka accuses, the phone conversation never having left her mind. "I looked it all up, and it's totally normal to be that skinny when you're an idol."_

_Dad gives her a helpless look. "That's not a good thing, Sayaka. A lot of girls have to starve themselves and suffer, because-"_

_"I don't care!" Sayaka shouts. "I'm gonna be an idol. I'm gonna be a star!" She'll show Mother and Dad, and the children who don't take her seriously and make fun of her in school. She'll show everyone in the world._

_"Sayaka..." Dad sighs, and somehow that sigh makes her more angry than anything else._

_"Why're you trying to ruin my dream?! Just- just because you're a loser doesn't mean I have to be too!"_

_The color drains from Dad's face._

_Sayaka whirls around and runs to her room, curling up under her blanket. She wants to go back out and say sorry, but can't bring herself to. When she does later that evening, Dad listens to the apology with a blank face. He doesn't get mad or punish her, but instead gently explains that he knows he isn't a successful man, but still wants to try his best to support her._

_"I really wanna be an idol, Dad." Sayaka mutters. "I want people to look at me, and cheer for me, and get happy when they see me on TV... and..." She has to stop herself from blurting that last part out._

_"Yes, Sayaka?" Dad asks, caressing her hair. "You can tell me. I promise I won't get mad."_

_Sayaka sniffs. "And I want Mother to see me all over the TV and in magazines... I want her to know that I became a superstar..." She trembles. "I want her to cry..."_

_Dad picks her up and hugs her. "I understand how you feel," he tells her. "But don't you think it's bad to want someone else to feel hurt? If you really want to be an idol, it should be because you want to make people happy."_

_"She left us." Sayaka says tonelessly._

_"I know, but let's not be as bad as her. We're better than that, don't you think?"_

_Sayaka doesn't answer him, because she disagrees._

_When Sayaka lies alone in her bed sometimes, thinking about Mother causes her to cry a lot for no reason at all. If Mother were to cry, she'd have a good reason to do so -- the daughter that she'd selfishly left became a popular singer that everyone in Japan knows and loves._

_In other words, it'd be okay for Mother to cry. Because she would deserve it._

_Sayaka eats the cake to appease Dad, but throws it up afterwards. She feels disgusting doing it, but she won't let anything sabotage her hard work._

_She doesn't hate Dad anymore after that day, but she becomes more indifferent towards him. She doesn't have time or patience for anyone who stands between her and her ambition._

_She does love him... but Dad is spineless._

_Her tenth, eleventh, and twelfth birthdays are all more or less a repeat of her ninth one. Throwing up the cake and everything. Dad never notices. She can't let her hard work be for nothing._

_When she enters junior high school, apart from singing and dancing, Sayaka starts practicing smiling as well. She practices talking in just the right, sugar sweet tone that makes people treat her nicer. There is luckily a mandatory school uniform, so she never really stands out as poor. She starts making a lot of acquaintances -- she can never bring herself to think of them as friends -- and uses them to borrow or buy make-up, accessories, and clothes, all the while being careful not to let anyone know that she can't really afford anything herself._

_People mocked her in elementary school, but everyone in junior high school adores her. She's probably the most popular girl in school._ _She loves the attention._

_This is who she's meant to be._

_On her thirteenth birthday, at the star festival, she sings for the first time in front of a crowd._

_The slow and steady build-up of her skills, the torturously patient waiting, all her suffering... it pays off. Sayaka's limitless talent erupts and blows her audience away. When her song is finished, people are cheering so loudly she feels it's a concert rather than just a modest festival._

_Dad isn't here, he has to work. Sayaka doesn't care._

_What's Dad's hesitant approval compared to all these people's unbridled applause?_

_Sayaka basks in the attention, although projecting an air of humility so she doesn't alienate anyone._

_In truth, she's feeling anything but humble._

_The moment she's back home, she starts laughing, mostly to let out all her bottled up emotions. Despite knowing how talented she is, she's been feeling nervous about this performance._

_"They loved me." Sayaka assures herself. "And I'm gonna keep getting better and better."_

_When she goes into the kitchen to drink a glass of water, she spots a cake standing on the counter. Dad must have gotten home during lunch break and dropped it off here._

_Sayaka feels touched by the gesture, no doubt Dad wasted his entire lunch break just to get home and do that, but... didn't she ask him not to buy a cake this year? She walks over to it, lips pursed, and opens the birthday card next to it._

_'My dear Sayaka,_

_I'm sorry that I can't be there to watch you sing at the festival. I've tried to convince my boss, but he wouldn't hear it. I know you told me you didn't want any cake, but'_

_Sayaka crumples the card in her hand. She doesn't care about Dad's platitudes. He remembered her request, but didn't care enough to fulfill it. Doesn't he get that the stupid cake is like a slap in the face? An insult to her success? Just an unnecessary temptation._

_She leaves the flat and dumps the cake in the trash outside along with the card. When she returns, she washes her hands, eats an apple, and goes to her room to practice._

_When Dad comes home late in the evening, she pretends to be asleep so he leaves her alone._

_He never says a word about either the cake or the card, but becomes more distant, like he's afraid of upsetting her in some way._

_It's convenient, Sayaka supposes. The less he interferes the better._

_(But it hurts. And she feels sick with guilt.)_

_Sayaka gradually stops trying to imitate BLOOM. The woman is getting less popular, and there's plenty others she can learn more from anyway._

_(And she feels ashamed for that ridiculous Mom delusion. She can hardly believe she was being so pathetic.)_

_On her fourteenth birthday, Sayaka doesn't get a cake. She's neither happy nor unhappy, but she's satisfied. When she sees Dad in the evening though, her euphoria from singing at the star festival again having slowly decreased, she starts feeling guilty at how depressed he looks._

_Why is he looking at her like that? Why is it so important to him that she eats some stupid cake? Why doesn't he understand? She wants to ask all of these things, but obviously doesn't._

_But it's not just about the cake, and she knows it. Still... he's an idiot. Doesn't he realize that if she becomes a superstar, she'll give him money too? That he won't have to slave away at some humiliating job anymore? Surely he'd like that? Surely he'd like to have a rich, famous daughter?_

_So what if she has to endure a bit of suffering for that? It's not fair if he's the only one who has to endure it. Or does he think she doesn't have what it takes? Well, she's already proven him wrong._

_She still loves Dad. And on some level, she knows she's terribly ungrateful. She knows she isn't a good girl, but she can't bring herself to care enough to change anything. Because..._

_Because she's on her way to fame. On her way to become rich and successful._

_(Unlike Dad.)_

_On her way to make Mother regret leaving._

_(Will Mother cry and curse herself? Sayaka desperately hopes so.)_

_Not long after Sayaka turns fourteen years old, she starts smoking because of peer pressure and anxiety. It feels both good and bad to do it. She considers stopping a lot, but can never bring herself to even try._

_Besides, it's not like she does it often, just sometimes when the stress becomes too much and she needs something to calm her._

_Occasionally, there's fleeting thoughts of suicide that she immediately suppresses. She doesn't even understand them. Why would she end her own life, when she's currently on the road to success? It's true she feels unhappy a lot, but that's just a temporary thing. Once she's at the top where she belongs, she won't feel bad anymore. She'd surely regret killing herself._

_Sayaka spends her fifteenth birthday together with acquaintances at the star festival, like the year before. It's all a very shallow affair, but she prefers that over sitting alone in a small, empty flat and waiting for Dad to come home to make awkward conversation with him, pretending he supports her when they both know he doesn't._

_She sings during it for the third time in a row and enjoys all the attention like the previous two times._

_But it just isn't enough anymore._

_She works harder, dissatisfied with her progress so far._

_Her hard work pays off again when she auditions for the first time and joins the idol group Euphony Star as lead singer. They all call her a prodigy._

_The four other girls are taken with her, just like everyone else, but they're also clearly envious of her. She doesn't mind, and pretends not to notice anything. Pretends not to notice Yukari's venomous glares, Nana's insecure glances, the way Ayaka's eyes narrow, and Satomi's confident smile always gets a bit more strained whenever their manager praises Sayaka in particular for a performance._

_Aside from that though, they're more or less friends. Rivals too, in a way, but mostly they get along. The girls still don't know her well enough, much like all those acquaintances, but she thinks it's fine to call them friends, since they all can relate to what she had to go through to get to this point, if only a little. And Sayaka practically spends all of her time with them. It's impossible not to get attached._

_She sees Dad less and less._

_She isn't sure when it happens exactly, but soon afterwards Sayaka starts seeing her fellow bandmates in different ways than before. The way Yukari flips her long hair suddenly causes her gaze to linger on her. The urge to tease Nana when she pouts in that cute, childish way of hers becomes stronger. She needs to force herself to look away from Ayaka's exposed stomach. Satomi's laughter sounds so pretty she can't help but blush._

_She's in denial for a while, but eventually is forced to admit that she's most likely bisexual. She doesn't think it matters, really, considering she's never actually been interested in anyone in particular anyway. She has more important things to consider than romance._

_But she knows no one must find out._

_Nevertheless, despite all these confusing new feelings, Sayaka doesn't lose sight of her ambition. She knows she can't be in a relationship or anything, she doesn't even want to be in one. Especially not with her bandmates._

_Luckily, her feelings slowly decrease over time, and she begins seeing her bandmates in a more sisterly way._

_She largely ignores her feelings from then on, focusing on being Euphony Star's lead singer instead. She still thinks too many girls are pretty and likes to imagine kissing them or holding their hands sometimes, but they remain shallow fantasies._

_She never tells Dad about any of that. Not because she thinks he would disapprove, but because it doesn't seem important. She doesn't need his support._

_Shortly before her sixteenth birthday, she gets to have a model shoot together with Enoshima Junko. The Gyaru sensation is an incredibly popular fashion model despite her young age -- though the girl is only a couple of months younger than her -- so Sayaka believes a combined shoot will help her popularity. Not that Euphony Star is unpopular or anything, but still..._

_Enoshima is as charming as she is beautiful, and Sayaka is immediately taken with her. She certainly wouldn't mind doing another shoot with someone so popular._

_A few days later, on her sixteenth birthday, she is holding a fashion magazine, looking at the pictures of herself and Enoshima inside of it. She's mostly wearing white, while Enoshima is mostly wearing black. They wanted a contrast of 'good girl' and 'bad girl' in this shoot, and they got it._

_Her popularity rises._

_Barely three months after Sayaka's sixteenth birthday, she gets rushed to the hospital after bouts of vomiting, diarrhea, fever, and eventually fainting at the studio. The doctors conclude it's food poisoning._

_Sayaka, who prides herself on paying much attention to her diet, feels ashamed of herself. Euphony Star has to cancel a couple of appearances and even a show because of this, and will inevitably receive a drop in popularity._

_Her manager expresses disappointment in her carelessness. She smiles at him and apologizes, internally wishing he would fall down the stairs and break his limbs on the way out. The fact that he came to the hospital instead of just calling feels like a threat._

_Her bandmates are more supportive, but she can tell they're disappointed too. It hurts her more than it makes her angry though, and instead of wishing harm on them she wishes it on herself instead._

_When Dad visits her, she's been brooding over her failure for a few hours, her mood darkening more and more._

_"I'm so sorry for being so late," he tells her. "The car wouldn't start, so I had to take the bus. Are you okay?"_

_"Yeah," she mutters. "I guess. It just... it sucks."_

_"Food poisoning is terrible." Dad agrees. "I think they'll discharge you today though. You don't need to spend the night at the hospital."_

_Sayaka sighs. "I'm still gonna have to stay at home for a couple of days."_

_"Well." Dad looks at her uncertainly. "That's probably a good thing. You're always stressed, so a short break might just be what you need."_

_"It's not what I need." Sayaka says, feeling a surge of irritation. "What I need is to be on stage. At this rate, Euphony Star will lose against Glitter Fever in the popularity polls."_

_"Surely that won't really hurt you in the long run?" Dad asks. "Now I don't know a lot about idol groups, but-"_

_"You're right, you don't." Sayaka interrupts him. She really doesn't have the patience to explain the finer details of the idol industry to him. "Can we just drop this? I'm annoyed enough as it is."_

_Dad tries to make some small talk afterwards, but Sayaka is in too bad a mood to respond to it much. He leaves the room when they get notified of another visitor to give them some privacy, looking all sad, and Sayaka feels a flash of guilt that she immediately suppresses._

_It's his fault for not supporting her, Sayaka tells herself. She doesn't have a reason to feel bad for him. He just doesn't understand her ambition._

_The visitor turns out to be Igarashi Amane, the lead singer of Glitter Fever, arriving in the room shortly after Dad leaves._

_"Amane-san?" Sayaka is surprised to see the girl, since they've only talked to each other one time and didn't exactly get along. She's pretty sure she snatched the photo shoot with Enoshima away from Glitter Fever. "I appreciate your visit, but you didn't have to come." She has a faint suspicion as to why the girl is here._

_Twirling her pigtails, Amane walks over to her bed. "Of course I'm visiting you, Sayaka-san," she says. "We may be rivals, but I like to think all idols are close friends too."_

_The joke is so bad, Sayaka has to giggle. Then, she smiles sardonically. "Spare me the platitudes. Are you here to gloat?"_

_Amane looks surprised for a moment, but then smiles back. "Guess there's no use pretending, huh? I always thought you're not as innocent as you look."_

_"Well, I get it. Glitter Fever is gonna beat Euphony Star in the popularity polls." Sayaka rolls her eyes, trying to be extra condescending. "Enjoy it while it lasts. We're gonna stomp you in the next one. Like last time."_

_"Listen here," Amane hisses, her smugness turning into anger. She did seem like someone with a small temper that one time they talked. "Just because you show off your body like some cheap whore doesn't make you better than me. Unlike you, I have class."_

_"I understand." Sayaka says sweetly, contrary to her own anger rising inside of her. "You're upset that you have nothing to flash. It's okay, Amane-san, you still have your personality." She tilts her head. "Unless, of course, being a vicious little bitch turns people off. What do you think?"_

_For a moment, she thinks Amane is going to hit her, but then the girl visibly calms down. "I shouldn't be angry at you," she says in a condescending tone. "After all, you're just upset you're going to lose to us. There's no shame in that, Sayaka-san. As a matter of fact, you should get used to it."_

_Sayaka snorts. "I doubt coincidental food poisoning is going to help you out every time."_

_Amane giggles. "Coincidental?" She asks. "Sure, sure. I'd be more careful with what I drink if I was you though."_

_Sayaka stares at her. "What are you saying?"_

_"Oh, and also..." Amane ignores her, leaning forward with a smirk on her face. "Food poisoning can be a lot worse than this. Did you know that?"_

_"You did- you..." Sayaka swallows, feeling both fear and fury rising inside of her. "You did this? You're... threatening me?"_

_Amane scowls. "I'm warning you, Sayaka-san. The idol industry is a cutthroat business. I'm actually doing you a favor, really. You don't belong here."_

_"You want me to... to quit?" The look in Amane's face says it all, causing Sayaka to bristle. "You think I'll give up just because some third rate vocalist tells me to?! I'm gonna call the police and tell them what you said!"_

_"You don't have any proof," Amane answers, her composure not shaken in the least. "And do you really want to cause a scandal by making accusations? True, my popularity will take a hit, but so will yours if it never goes anywhere. Not to mention you'd be dragging your bandmates down with you too. Do you want to take the risk?"_

_Sayaka glares at her, but realizes Amane has a point. And..._

_A plan forms in her head._

_"I won't tell anyone about it." Sayaka says quietly._

_"I thought so." Amane replies, looking so unbearably smug that Sayaka wants to scratch her eyes out. "And you really should quit, you know? Having a pretty face and a nice body alone doesn't make you an idol. Just become a model or something."_

_"And if I don't, you're gonna make me regret it?" Sayaka asks, her tone subdued, trying to keep the venom out of it._

_Amane doesn't answer her, giving her a withering glare instead, but it's not like the question needs answering in the first place._

_Sayaka looks away. "I'll think about it." She mutters._

_"You do that." Amane says, and leaves._

_Sayaka spends the last two hours in the hospital thinking._

_Planning._

_She barely notices Dad when he returns to the room, but she's glad when he tells her they're leaving._

_As soon as she's back home, she immediately rushes to her bed and curls up under a blanket._

_Amane thinks she doesn't have what it takes? Thinks she doesn't belong in a cutthroat business like the idol industry? Thinks she's come so far based on looks alone?_

_Sayaka grits her teeth._

_She'll prove her wrong. No, more importantly... she'll hurt her._

_No one threatens Maizono Sayaka and gets away with it. She's a superstar. Amane is nothing compared to her, having to use petty tricks like this. Trying to force her into quitting? Just shows how pathetic Amane is, how desperate._

_That bitch doesn't stand a chance._

_Sayaka schemes until late in the night. All she can think of is revenge._

_There's worse things than food poisoning, indeed._

 

-

 

"Hey, Sayaka? Woah, you're making a scary face!"

Sayaka blinks. She must have tuned her two friends out at some point while relaxing on the couch. "Sorry, Satomi," she says, giving an apologetic smile. "I was just thinking about my previous birthdays."

"You looked ready for murder just now. I take one of your birthdays sucked?" Yukari asks flatly.

"Shut up, Yuka." Satomi says almost automatically, before adressing Sayaka again. "Your eighteenth birthday is a big deal, Sayaka! Did you know that it begins your adulthood in most countries of the world? You could get totally drunk in three quarters of the world starting today!"

"Not in Japan though, so what the hell does that matter?" Yukari scoffs. "What're you so excited about anyway, Sato? The only time I've seen you drink alcohol, you immediately threw it up."

"That was just one time! I'll have you know that I drank alcohol before and didn't throw it up!" Satomi argues.

"I'm not planning on getting drunk, if that's what you two are getting at." Sayaka says, laughing.

"You might feel like getting drunk after getting everyone's presents," Yukari argues, flipping her hair. "Don't worry, I made sure to get you something useful."

"It's a vibrator, isn't it?" Satomi guesses.

Yukari sighs. "No, it's not a damn vibrator. Why do you keep guessing that every year?"

"Maybe I _want_ a vibrator." Sayaka smirks when Yukari shoots her a glare. Satomi giggles.

"I guess a vibrator would be more like Nana's style. She looks innocent, but those are always the secretly naughty ones." Satomi says. "I wonder what Ayaka is gonna get you this time though. Maybe she's the one with the vibra-"

"Stop going on about the vibrator!" Yukari snaps. She glances at Sayaka. "If Ayaka wants to give you something useful, she could try changing her name."

"This again?" Sayaka asks, barely stopping herself from rolling her eyes. "I don't mind Ayaka's name at all." She did mind at first, actually, but by now she's stopped caring.

"Am I the only one here with a sense for aesthetics?" Yukari asks. "Having a Sayaka and an Ayaka in the same group is just objectively stupid. I'm sorry none of you can realize that."

"More importantly," Satomi interjects. "I'm looking forward to finally seeing that mysterious Ikusaba-san today. I wonder what she's gonna give you, Sayaka!"

Yukari snorts. "Ikusaba Mukuro..."

Sayaka gives her a look. "Remember what I told you, Yukari. If you make fun of her name even one time..."

Yukari looks like she tasted something sour. "You'll _accidentally_ kick me in the shin during next practice," she says. "I won't say anything, got it."

"Good!" Sayaka chirps. "And yes, Mukuro-san is gonna pick me up here today, but it's not like she's gonna stay for long. We're going to that cake café."

"And you don't want to subject her to us for that long!" Satomi says cheerfully.

"There's that too, yes." Sayaka admits.

"Like I'd be a problem." Yukari says, rolling her eyes.

"I dunno, Yuka, this Ikusaba-san sounds kinda grumpy." Satomi beams, suddenly clinging to Yukari's arm. Sayaka doesn't know how she can move that fast. "And you're already our grumpy bear! We wouldn't want there to be any conflict!"

"Get off me, you lamprey eel!" Yukari tries to shake the other girl off, blushing all the while.

Sayaka giggles, then turns her head at the sound of the door opening in time to watch Ayaka and Nana entering their, what Satomi has taken to calling, 'relaxation room'.

"Are you two making out again?" Ayaka asks. She kicks the door shut behind her, causing the ever anxious Nana to jump.

"No, they would've called you first." Sayaka answers.

"Screw you, Sayaka."

"I'm up for it if you are!"

"Hey!" Satomi huffs. "Don't steal my girl away from me, Sayaka. You already have some freckled goddess, so what do you even want with Yukari here?"

"Screw you too, Sato."

Sayaka laughs, but can't help but blush. "I'm not sure I'd call Mukuro-san that, but she's certainly lovely and has freckles."

"Are you sure it's not melanoma?" Nana asks nervously. "There's a type of melanoma that looks like freckles. Maybe she should get it checked just to be sure."

"You mean like last week when I coughed a couple of times and you accused me of having lung cancer?" Yukari asks flatly.

"I-I didn't accuse you! I just said it's best to get it checked out to be sure."

"Girls, please!" Sayaka interrupts before they start arguing, which tends to happen when Nana starts getting a bit overzealous about health issues. "I'm very sure Mukuro-san's freckles are just freckles. Thanks for your concern, Nana."

"Yeah, more importantly, are you finally gonna kiss her today?" Ayaka brings up in that blunt way of hers.

"Yes!" Satomi shouts. "Kiss her, you fool!"

Sayaka groans. "Girls..."

"It seems like a good idea to kiss her," Nana agrees. "Unless she has herpes or-"

"Nana, I swear to God." Yukari warns. "Anyway, you all need to stop getting on Sayaka's case about this. They'll kiss when they're ready."

Sayaka smiles at her, surprised by the support. She wonders if there's a catch. "Thanks, Yukari."

"And it's not Sayaka's fault that she's a little chicken." Yukari adds smugly. "Cluck-cluck-cluck."

Sayaka scowls. Figures Yukari wouldn't be randomly nice. Scowl turning into a smirk, she says: "Really, Yukari? You've known Satomi for even longer though, and you two still haven't kissed."

That wipes the smug look off Yukari's face, and Satomi promptly starts clinging to her again. "She's right, Yuka! Gimme a kiss!"

"I hate all of you!"

They all laugh, except for Yukari, who's trying to shake off Satomi in vain.

"Since we're all here now, why don't we give Sayaka her presents?" Ayaka suggests.

"I go first!" Satomi immediately lets go of Yukari, instead ruffling around in a plastic bag next to the couch. As soon as she pulls her present out, Sayaka's phone buzzes.

Sayaka looks at the message. She grins. "It's Mukuro-san," she tells the other girls. "She's asking where our room is." She quickly types the answer and sends it.

"You didn't tell her that before?" Yukari smirks in that way of hers when she thinks she's about to say something incredibly funny, which she never does. "You should plan your romantic dates better, Sayaka."

Nana nods with thoughtful seriousness, while Ayaka snickers.

Sayaka groans. "Why did I even tell you guys about my crush?"

"Yeah, you should've really known better." Satomi says earnestly. "Anyway, open my present!"

Sayaka does, ripping open the wrapping paper with glee. The present turns out to be a a variation of colorful hair clips. "Thanks, Satomi!" She puts a pink one in her hair right away, on the opposite side of the pink bow Makoto has given her. "How do I look?"

"Don't fish for compliments. Everyone knows you look flawless." Yukari says dryly, holding out her own present. "Here."

"You didn't even wrap it?!" Satomi yells, sounding incredibly offended.

"You say that every year." Yukari remains unshaken even in the face of Satomi's indignant disapproval. "What's the point? She's gonna open it anyway."

"Yukari wrapped it in spirit, when she picked my present out with utmost care." Sayaka interjects. She holds up the present, suppressing a grin. "Like this bottle of shampoo. I can tell it came from the heart."

Yukari flushes red. "I know I'm terrible at picking out presents. Don't rub it in."

Sayaka laughs. At this point, Yukari's lame presents are a running gag. Though, really, shampoo isn't that bad. "Yes, you are," she says. "But thanks! I love you anyway."

"Well, _someone_ has to." Ayaka comments. Yukari glowers at her.

"Oh, screw you, Ayaka."

"You wish."

"I did put mine into wrapping paper!" Nana blurts out, more or less thrusting her present into Sayaka's hands.

Sayaka rips the wrapping paper apart like an eager ten year old once more. "Wow," she says, genuinely surprised. It's a collection of make-up products and appliances. "Thanks! This is awesome."

Nana blushes. "Ah, well... I kind of wanted to make up for last year."

"Getting that cream against rashes did feel like an insult at first," Sayaka admits. "But you didn't mean it like that! Cheer up, Nana! Your present is amazing!"

"I just wanted us all to be prepared for rashes." Nana says meekly. "I'm glad you like it!"

"You saved the best for last." Ayaka holds out her present with a smirk that doesn't at all look reassuring.

There's a knock on the door right when Sayaka is about to brutalize her third wrapping paper victim this day. "Oh, that has to be Mukuro-san!" She exclaims.

"I'll open!" Satomi declares and barrels to the door, nearly knocking Nana over in the process. As soon as it's open, she begins talking. "Hey, nice to meetcha! I'm Aoba Satomi! Sayaka's told us a lot about you, Ikusaba-san!"

"It's nice to meet you too, Aoba-san. I'm Ikusaba Mukuro." Sayaka hears her crush say in that flat voice of hers, managing to do so without an awkward pause inbetween. Well, after having known Aoi for well over a month now it makes sense Mukuro wouldn't be that taken aback by energetic girls anymore.

"Good God, Sato, let the poor thing inside without glomping her." Yukari says, prompting Ayaka to mutter something that sounds suspiciously like 'Yeah, she only wants to do that to you', which is immediately followed by Yukari's hand smacking the back of Ayaka's head.

Sayaka smiles brightly at Mukuro as soon as she steps into the room. "Hey, Mukuro-san! You came just in time to watch me unwrap my last present!"

Mukuro returns the smile. "Good afternoon, Sayaka-san. Happy birthday."

"Unwrap?" Yukari asks. "More like tear it apart like a pack of ravenous dogs. Anyway," she turns to Mukuro, giving her the barest hint of a smile herself. "I'm Mizuki Yukari. Also known as the second vocalist and, let's be honest, lead dancer. If Sayaka ever got sick of us and started a solo career, I'd be the one taking over."

"Nice to meet you, Mizuki-san." Mukuro says, her flat tone taking another subtle level in flatness. Sayaka hasn't quite figured out yet what that means.

"I'm Haneyama Ayaka." Ayaka sighs. "You probably didn't know I even existed, since I'm always stuck in the corner."

"I am too, but it doesn't bother me as much!" Satomi interjects cheerfully.

"You two are doing an _excellent_ job making the rest of us look better though." Yukari mentions.

"Shut up, Yuka." Satomi says.

"It's nice to meet you, Haneyama-san." Mukuro tells Ayaka.

"They both have a better voice than me. So I'm not sure why I'm allowed to stand right next to Sayaka..." Nana trails off, then coughs in a failed attempt to mask the awkwardness. "Um, anyway, I'm Tamura Nana. It's great to finally meet you, Ikusaba-san."

"It's nice to meet you too, Tamura-san." Mukuro says, making a valiant effort to sound gentle, kind of like she talks to Mikan at times when the poor girl is beating herself up over something. Sayaka wonders if Mukuro even realizes she's doing it.

"Now that we finally know each other," Yukari begins. "Ikusaba-san, tell us. Does Sayaka try to make you drink weird juice all the time too?"

"Remember when she made us drink that disgusting nettle juice?" Satomi asks before Mukuro can answer, visibly repressing a shudder.

"Pretty sure the only one who liked it was Nana." Ayaka says, raising an eyebrow at the girl in question.

"It was good." Nana defends herself.

"It was so gross." Sayaka says with a cheerful grin, causing Nana to pout, or at least come close to it. "I loved it!"

"Sayaka-san does make me drink weird juice." Mukuro finally answers. "I didn't know she does that to everyone though. My condolences."

"Variety is the spice of life!" Sayaka huffs. "Geez, none of you appreciate me. Except you, Nana, you're the best."

Smiling shyly, Nana gives her a thumbs up.

"She just liked the nettle juice because she's a health nut." Yukari snorts. "Also, will you finally open your present? You've been holding it since last week."

"Don't fuss!" Sayaka retorts, but tears the wrapping paper off anyway. When it's obvious what the present is, she feels her face heat up and lets out a yelp. "Ayaka!"

Ayaka snickers. Yukari steps closer and, upon seeing it, gives a long suffering sigh. Apparently having been in on it, Satomi is giggling like crazy too. Nana just looks at the present in confusion, before a dawning realization hits her and her cheeks turn red. Mukuro's face is as blank as always.

"Ah, um, it's something for the hair." Sayaka tells Mukuro. "A special kind of hair curler. Junko-chan probably doesn't have it, since it wouldn't work for her kind of style." She giggles nervously.

Mukuro gives her a flat look. "Sayaka-san," she says. "I know what a vibrator looks like."

Sayaka isn't often at the receiving end of being laughed at. Today is one of these few times -- even Nana is doing it. The only one not laughing at her is Mukuro, though she still looks very amused.

"Honestly!" Sayaka huffs, but can't help but smile herself. "You're all terrible! I'm gonna leave with Mukuro-san now!"

"Everyone, salute the soon-to-be dead girl." Yukari announces, still snickering.

"Ikusaba-san, you're so gonna regret this." Satomi agrees cheerfully.

"She didn't even really make fun of Sayaka though." Nana argues.

"Doesn't matter to her." Ayaka says.

"See you later, girls!" Sayaka chirps, immediately skipping out of the room. Mukuro follows after hastily saying goodbye to the four girls.

As soon as they're out of the door, Mukuro glances at her. "Are they right?" She asks.

Sayaka feigns a look of surprise. "I'm shocked you think I'd do such a thing! That little embarrassment was hardly your fault, was it? It wouldn't be fair to mercilessly tease you in revenge."

Mukuro narrows her eyes. "Am I really talking to Sayaka-san right now?"

"Hey, now," Sayaka says, laughing. "It's my birthday, you know? I'm in a good mood." She feels bad for lying to Mukuro about her mood, but doesn't want to worry her.

She hates her birthday. Has done so since last year.

No... she does like it, but she hates how it makes her think back to all those things. When she was... when she was like _that_. When she did those terrible things...

While they walk to the exit, she can't help but reminisce again...

And she can't help but wonder what Mukuro would think of her.

 

-

 

_"Y-You wanted to speak to me alone, Maizono-san?"_

_Sayaka gives the painfully nervous girl a reassuring smile. "Feel free to call me by my first name, Naga-san."_

_The girl blushes happily. "Then you can call me by my first name too, Sayaka-san!"_

_"Thanks, Hitomi-san. The reason I wanted to speak to you... is because I think you're a good friend."_

_Hitomi's face makes it obvious she falls for the lie completely, even though they've barely ever interacted, and she's just one of the many girls who follow Sayaka around. "I'm really glad you think so! I've always admired you, Sayaka-san..."_

_Sayaka giggles. "I'm flattered. You're really cute, you know?" Hitomi's face gets even redder. "You see," Sayaka makes her voice sound lower, hoping she looks vulnerable enough. "I just really want to speak to someone about this... someone I can trust."_

_"You can trust me!"_

_"You know," Sayaka murmurs. "I do believe you. But... this is something you can't tell to anyone. It's something really private."_

_Hitomi swallows. "I really want to help you, Sayaka-san."_

_Sayaka hesitates, and this time it's not just for show._

_Can she really do this? Manipulate this poor, earnest girl in such a manner?_

_Doesn't this make her just as bad as Amane?_

_... No, no it doesn't. After all, Amane is the one who started it. She's the one who made a fool out of Sayaka, tried to make her quit. Tried to threaten her. Wanted to take all of Sayaka's hard work away from her. How can she let her get away with that?! There's no way she can. There's no way she'll let anything ruin her ambition._

_Swallowing the bile in her throat, Sayaka begins speaking. "Do you remember when I was in the hospital a few weeks back? The lead singer of Glitter Fever poisoned me."_

_Hitomi gasps. "What? We- we need to go to the police!"_

_"We can't do that," Sayaka says. "I'm going to explain why later, but for now... can you just hear me out?" Upon receiving a nod, she continues. "She threatened me... tried to force me to quit, all because she was jealous of Euphony Star's popularity." She sniffles, and it's not entirely an act. "She- she was so cruel..."_

_"Wh-What can I do for you?" Hitomi asks, looking at her in pity, close to tears herself. Sayaka doesn't understand why this girl cares that much, considering they have only been mere acquaintances until now. Surely admiration only goes so far?_

_Maybe she's just that empathic? And nice? Unlike her..._

_Sayaka suppresses another flash of guilt. She doesn't want to manipulate and use this girl. It's not like she's above doing either of that, but going this far? It's... just wrong. But... but..._

_It's Amane's fault, isn't it? It's all stupid Amane's fault. And it's not like Hitomi is going to get hurt or anything. She'll never find out about Sayaka's true intentions anyway, so is it that wrong?_

_Isn't it justice? She's just giving Amane what she deserves, and makes some girl she'd never interact with much otherwise feel better. How can that be a bad thing?_

_(But she knows it's bad. Terrible, even. Deep down she knows.)_

_"I know revenge is bad," Sayaka mutters. "But I need to show her I can't let her push me around, so she doesn't try it again."_

_Hitomi looks scared. "I'm not sure I..."_

_"I know it's terrible of me to think that," Sayaka agrees. She sniffles again. "But then she... threatened my Dad." The lie feels dirty, but at this point she has to make sure to make Amane out to be as bad as possible. If Hitomi had seen her for herself back then, she surely wouldn't have any reservations now..._

_Hitomi's eyes widen. "That's... that's awful."_

_"Yes... so even though I don't want to, I really need to pay her back."_

_"Um, but... wouldn't she just want to take revenge too...?"_

_"She would, and that's why..." Licking her lips,_ _Sayaka leans forward._ _"I need to make sure to hurt her really badly."_

_"I don't know..." Hitomi mumbles, trembling slightly. "This sounds really... really scary. I'm not sure..."_

_"You're right," Sayaka says, getting ready for the final blow. "I'm so sorry for burdening you with this, Hitomi-san. I just... I just..." She bursts into tears._

_"Sayaka-san!" Hitomi hugs her. Sayaka buries her face into the girl's shoulder, hugging her back tightly. "Please don't cry. I'll help you, okay? I won't let her hurt you..."_

_"Y-You will...?"_

_"Yes. I promise..."_

_With her face pressed against Hitomi's shoulder, Sayaka feels relief enveloping her. She wasn't sure the girl was going to agree to it, or at least not this quickly. "Hitomi-san," she whispers. "I'm so glad I can count on you... we'll make sure Amane-san never hurts anyone again."_

_Amane is going to regret ever crossing her. She thinks Sayaka doesn't have what it takes to be in a cutthroat business, huh? Amane is going to wish she was never born._

_Sayaka cries leaning against the other girl, an unseen smirk on her face. She'll show Amane, that desperate and pathetic pretender. She'll show her what a real superstar is capable of._

_She'll show_   _her just how cutthroat Maizono Sayaka can be._

* * *

 


	2. Due

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My gf's art for Sayaka and Mukuro this chapter: https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/169673614901 (they look both so good...)
> 
> God, this chapter got longer than I intended... same old, same old. This story is gonna have three parts, as you can see! I didn't plan it, but... this just got way too long.
> 
> Also, I absolutely adored writing this chapter. I hope you'll like it too!

* * *

 

When Sayaka steps out of the studio alongside Mukuro, she finds her gloomy mood improving somewhat.

It's hard to be depressed and swept up in the past when the sun shines so brightly in both of their faces, and thinking of what just happened back in the 'relaxation room' causes most of her thoughts to scatter as well.

Sayaka suppresses an indignant huff.

She loves her bandmates, she really does, but sometimes she wants to strangle them too. Embarrassing her like this in front of Mukuro...

Well, to be fair, it's more accurate to say she's kinda embarrassed _herself_ by assuming Mukuro wouldn't have much knowledge about... certain things. And at least Mukuro isn't mercilessly teasing her about it; either because she's too nice or because she knows Sayaka would get her back for it sooner or later.

At least Mikan wasn't around for that -- the poor girl might have fainted. Or not. Sayaka has the distinct impression the nurse isn't as innocent as she seems sometimes, at least not when it comes to... certain things. It was bad enough on its own already when she came by though; merely meeting Satomi was obviously hard on Mikan's nerves, though not nearly as bad as it would have been a month ago. At least Aoi and Makoto were there to spread the attention of her bandmates more.

"Did the others come by your studio before me?" Mukuro asks as if reading her mind.

"I was just thinking about that, actually. Maybe you're the psychic!" Sayaka giggles. "Yeah! Mikan-san, Aoi-chan, and Makoto-kun were all there for an hour or so. I think everyone got along well enough."

They all seemed to unanimously agree that Mukuro and her should be spending the afternoon alone together. By now, they all more or less know about her feelings for Mukuro. And they're very supportive, Aoi maybe even a bit _too_ supportive.

Sayaka smiles when she remembers how they all wished her luck. She loves her friends.

"I imagine Aoi-san and Aoba-san liked each other," Mukuro says. "And maybe Mikan-san and Tamura-san?"

"Pretty much!" Sayaka hums. "Ayaka and Mikan-san got along surprisingly well too. And actually, Makoto-kun was the one who talked to Nana the most, maybe because she's big on health things and he's still learning about that." At some point, Makoto took an interest in Mikan's work as the Ultimate Nurse and he's been somewhat of a student of hers lately. "Yukari comes across as kinda stand-offish at first, but she's able to get along with pretty much anyone if she wants to. I don't think I have to mention Satomi!"

"You really like your bandmates a lot." Mukuro notes, then immediately looks embarrassed. "Well, it's obvious you do, so I'm not sure why I'm saying that. They all seem nice."

"They're all secretly opportunistic harpies in human form waiting to rip each other apart. And I'm the worst of them!"

Mukuro blinks. "Um..."

"Just kidding!" Sayaka chirps. "Anyway, what do you have planned for our date?" She knows she shouldn't tease Mukuro by calling it that, but the cute expression on her face makes doing so irresistible.

"Well, the cake shop is first. After that... it's a secret." Mukuro mutters, giving her a look she interprets as pleading, as in 'Please don't prod me until I can't help telling you'. Sayaka takes pity on her despite her curiosity.

"It's a cake _café_ ," Sayaka stresses. "And okay, okay, I won't make you tell me!"

"Thank you."

They walk to the cake café on the other side of the street, Sayaka looking Mukuro over in what she hopes doesn't seem like blatant staring. A black bow neck blouse, gray skinny jeans, and -- honestly, does that girl even possess another pair of shoes? It's always the same black ones. Well, they do look nice, so it's not necessarily a bad thing.

She's delighted to see Mukuro is wearing the wolf bracelet, but then she's been wearing that more or less every single day ever since Sayaka gave it to her.

Seeing Mukuro dressed in different clothes whenever they go out into the city on Saturday is one of Sayaka's favorite parts of the week. Mukuro might think she isn't pretty or fashionable, but she's pulled off every single outfit remarkably well so far. Granted, Junko is more or less always picking the clothes out for her, but still. She looks great in the school uniform too.

Well, Sayaka might be a tad biased in that regard, but she's pretty sure she'd think the same even if she didn't have a gigantic crush on the freckled girl.

"You look beautiful." Sayaka tells her, basically blurting it out, unable to contain herself any longer.

Mukuro's face lights up for a second, then immediately goes back to being blank, though the happiness is still there judging from the subtle curling of her lips. "Thank you," she mumbles back. "So do you. Well, you're always beautiful..."

Sayaka giggles, twirling in her pink halter neck dress. "Thanks! Do you like the dress? I hope it's not too short."

"It's... it's nice. I don't know if it's too short." Mukuro says, staring straight ahead, obviously trying her hardest not to glance down and admire her legs. Sayaka wouldn't mind if she looked a little in all honesty, but her crush being too considerate and polite to do that has its own charm.

It's just the reaction Sayaka was hoping for anyway. She loves seeing Mukuro get flustered over her. "Then I guess it's fine!" She chirps.

Mukuro's own muscular legs are certainly difficult not to stare at when she wears a skirt on the odd occasion... but Sayaka would rather not think about that right now.

They enter the cake café, and luckily they don't have to wait long before ordering. Also luckily, a table right next to a window is free. Sayaka likes glancing out there, watching people pass by.

"Black tea, huh?" She asks as they're sitting down. "You're really getting out of your comfort zone today, Mukuro-san!"

"I'm ordering a different cake every time already, Sayaka-san." Mukuro retorts. "Maybe I should say not getting green tea is my birthday gift to you?"

"That's my present? Then I guess the bag you're carrying with you is for someone else?" Sayaka teases, taking a sip of her cappuccino. She puts another spoonful of sugar into the cup, stirring it impatiently. There's only few things she likes bitter, and coffee isn't one of them.

"It's possible."

"For someone with such a good poker face, you're a terrible liar! I need to make you play poker against Celes-san one time."

"As long as the bet doesn't involve me as human furniture, sure."

"You're awful! Celes-san isn't that bad, really." Sayaka argues. She doesn't hang out with Celeste that often, but she thinks the girl is both charming and funny. "Sure, she can be a bit mean, but Junko-chan is mean sometimes too! Neither of them really mean it!"

Mukuro looks as though she's very offended by the comparison -- or maybe it's just the terrible pun -- but isn't actually able to offer a counter argument, instead merely giving her a bland: "If you say so."

"You two might get along, actually!" Sayaka continues. She can't quite imagine how the two of them would interact, but Mukuro's occasional deadpan humor and her blunt, sometimes tactless way with words would definitely amuse Celeste. Unless the gambler was on the receiving end of it, at least.

"I already have friends though."

"Yeah, but it's not like there's a maximum amount of friends you're allowed to have."

Mukuro looks as though she finds that statement to be highly debatable. "Four friends are a lot," she says. "How would I spend enough time with each of them if I had so many?"

Sayaka sighs. As much as she adores Mukuro, the girl can be a bit exasperating sometimes. "Geez, I'm glad you're trying to be a good friend, but you might be taking things too seriously. Besides, don't you have six friends? Assuming Junko-chan doesn't count, there's Aoi-chan, Makoto-kun, Mikan-san, Oogami-san, Komaeda-senpai, and me."

Mukuro blinks. "Komaeda Nagito is not my friend," she says flatly. "And I only ever exchange greetings with Oogami-san. I don't think that counts."

Sayaka hums. "Really? Whenever Komaeda-senpai is there when I hang out with Mikan-san and you come up, he speaks very highly of you. I figured since you spend time with Mikan-san and he's one of her friends, you two would be friends too."

"He just admires all Ultimates, even if he doesn't know them. It's true that he's there too when I spend time with Mikan-san sometimes, but I don't consider him a friend." Grudgingly, Mukuro adds: "I don't hate him or anything. He's kind to Mikan-san and it's not like he ever does anything bad. I just don't really understand him, I suppose."

"I think Komaeda-senpai is nice." Sayaka says, smiling a bit. It's kind of cute to see Mukuro trying so hard to be fair towards someone she obviously doesn't like just because that person is friends with one of her friends. "A bit odd, but it's kind of charming. And, well, I never mind getting told I'm amazing and talented, you know?" She gives a short laugh.

"Well, I suppose that makes sense," Mukuro remarks dryly. "You're the same person who thinks clowns are funny."

Sayaka huffs. Mukuro has been getting a lot bolder with teasing her back... not that she dislikes it. Still no match against her though, of course, but Mukuro has to be complimented for trying. "I'm not sure whether you're making fun of Komaeda-senpai or me!" Probably both. "Anyway, I guess it's true I never see you talking to Oogami-san, but you two just give off the vibe that you're friends. I can't really explain it."

"I like Oogami-san." Mukuro says. "I just don't think we have a lot to say to each other. Maybe we will be friends if I finally get to spar against her."

"I'd like to see that!" Especially if she gets to see Mukuro's muscles straining and the sweat dripping down her...- Sayaka clears her throat. Her increasingly shameful fantasies are something she probably shouldn't think about right now -- and the self-defense lessons aren't helping at all with those. Feeling pretty embarrassed, she adds to her previous declaration: "I heard there's even bets. Do your best, Mukuro-san! I can't afford to lose the money."

"You shouldn't bet on me. I would probably lose against her." Mukuro says, looking thoughtful, seemingly unaware that Sayaka was joking just now. "It's difficult to say, since neither of us can go all out in a spar. I think I would still lose against her though."

"Well, I guess it'd be fun to watch anyway." Sayaka muses. "It's kinda unfair though! You're the Ultimate Soldier, so you should get some kinda non-lethal weapon. You're probably stronger than Oogami-san like that."

"That would be unfair against her though." Mukuro points out. "Either way, I'm not sure the definition of 'fair' really fits here. Oogami-san and I just fight in different ways. She's more suited for direct hand-to-hand combat, I'm more likely to take people out stealthily or from range. I'm simplifying a lot, but I hope you understand what I mean."

Mukuro is so cute when she talks about her interests. Which Sayaka should find bizarre, in all honestly, since this particular interest is mostly about violence, but she can't help it. It's strange, both feeling queasy about what her crush's past must be like and wanting to know more about it at the same time. It's probably also strange of her to find Mukuro's prowess to be both attractive and frightening.

"Makes sense," Sayaka chirps. "So in other words, if this was a real fight you'd just shoot Oogami-san from afar?"

"Well," Mukuro says uncertainly, looking awkward. "If she was an enemy, yes. It makes no sense to engage an enemy in hand-to-hand combat when I can just... shoot them." She seems very uncomfortable, saying these last two words.

"Sorry, Mukuro-san! I didn't mean to make you feel bad." Sayaka says, annoyed with herself. She sometimes likes dealing with uncomfortable subjects by making jokes, but it's not always appropriate. She considers herself a social butterfly, but she's far from perfect, especially when she's interacting with her crush.

"It's fine. I'm sorry for bringing up violent things."

Sayaka frowns. Mukuro does that thing where she assigns the blame to herself a lot. It's almost always completely undeserved. "It's not your fault. You were just talking about a friendly spar. I'm the one who brought up weapons." Before Mukuro can protest, Sayaka changes the subject. "Anyway, we haven't even started eating yet! The cheesecake you picked is a good choice!"

"Your lemon cake looks nice too." Mukuro replies, cutting off a small piece of the cheescake with her fork. If she's surprised by the sudden topic change, she doesn't show it. "And before you ask, no thank you. I don't want a taste."

"Not even a small one?" Sayaka asks. She puts a modestly sized piece in her mouth. "It's really good! You should try it."

"I don't like fruits much."

"I know, but... do lemons even count? They're not really fruity or anything." Sayaka shrugs. "Oh well, more for me!" She should probably stop trying to cajole Mukuro into trying new things, it's just that she can't help but want to share the things she likes with her friends.

And maybe there's the small benefit of getting to feed a flustered Mukuro too...

While they eat, Sayaka tells Mukuro about the presents she received from Aoi, Mikan, and Makoto -- her favorite lip balm, perfume, and a pink bow respectively. "And I'm wearing all of it for our date right now." Sayaka says with a coquettish wink.

"I did notice the bow in your hair." Mukuro mumbles. "It looks nice. Makoto-kun gave you that one?"

"Yeah! He has good taste, doesn't he? How much prettier does it make me look?" Sayaka flutters her eyelashes.

"Um." Mukuro looks incredibly nervous for a moment, before pursing her lips. "You're teasing me..."

"You should stop being so cute if you don't want me to do that anymore." Sayaka giggles. "Although... maybe you actually like getting teased?"

Mukuro's brows furrow, as though she's genuinely considering the question. "I don't think so," she eventually says. "But maybe I don't dislike it entirely..."

"I knew it!"

"That's not an invitation to do it more often."

"Isn't it? That's a shame." Sayaka pouts. "I'm way less bad than I was at first though, right?"

"I think you might have become worse." Mukuro mutters.

"To be honest, I kinda suspected that." Sayaka admits. "I'm mostly doing it without even meaning to, I swear! I guess the urge to tease you just feels natural to me."

"Well, I don't mind it... within reason."

Sayaka gives her an impish smile. In truth, she actually has to suppress the urge to tease or even flirt with Mukuro alarmingly often, and it's becoming harder and harder not to, but she slips up a lot.

When they leave the cake café, Mukuro tells her the place they're going to isn't that far away, whereupon Sayaka mentions a nice walk after their snack is just what they need. It's probably silly, but she likes walking next to Mukuro a lot.

It's hard, resisting the urge to take her hand. She really wants to hold hands with her crush.

There is some light conversation as they walk, but for most part there's silence -- it's neither pleasant or unpleasant. Sayaka doesn't know what Mukuro is thinking about, but it's not unusual for her to act like this lately.

Mukuro has been... distant, somewhat. Not _really_ distant, but sometimes she seems like she's deep in thought when they hang out, either alone or with their other friends. Most of the time things are normal, they all chat and have fun together, but then Mukuro gets an odd look on her face, like she's very far away... and someone else has to kind of snap her out of it -- mostly Aoi.

Sayaka isn't sure what it's about, but doesn't want to ask Mukuro about it. She can't really describe it, but the look on Mukuro's face...

Scares her a bit. She isn't sure why.

"We're here."

Mukuro's words cause Sayaka's thoughts to scatter. "Ah, sorry, I was kinda thinking about stuff," she says, then looks at the building in front of them. She feels her spirits immediately lifting. "Laser tag! Aww, Mukuro-san, I can't believe this is the surprise!"

"Well, you told me you liked it a lot so I was thinking maybe you would enjoy it." Mukuro explains, slightly flustered at Sayaka's obvious delight. "Survival games are a lot more popular, but plenty of people play laser tag too."

"Yeah! I started liking it because the Ultimate Laser Tag Player graduated when I was..." Sayaka tries to think. "Either twelve or thirteen. It got really popular during that time, but I didn't play it that often. My social circles would've found me too weird if I'd overdone it." She has to giggle at that, and tells Mukuro one of her favorite memories which just happens to be related to laser tag; the one about Akira's vest going off after getting hit and then being startled enough by it to fall on her face.

It helps that the girl was somewhat cruel, definitely one of her more stuck-up followers back in junior high school. Not that she was any better herself, tolerating these kind of people around her just to garner more attention...

"Your friend should have been more careful," Mukuro says after Sayaka concludes the story. "I wonder how good you were at it though."

"I think I was pretty good." Sayaka retorts. "I hope I still am! I haven't played this in... three years, or so!"

Mukuro smiles. "I'm looking forward to seeing it."

 

-

 

"I'm going to start the briefing now, everyone." Mukuro declares to everyone in the room.

"Err... but you don't even work here." A boy their age protests. "Where's the real team leader?"

"I explained to him why I'm more qualified," Mukuro answers. "He agreed with me." That's one way to put it. Sayaka has to suppress a snicker when she thinks about the terrified look on the man's face when Mukuro told him she was the Ultimate Soldier and therefore better suited to give a briefing. It's like he thought he was being threatened, which, in all honesty, did almost feel like it was the case.

Sayaka listens as Mukuro proceeds to explain the rules and how to play to everyone in the room, sounding more like she's talking about a military operation than about a fun game. Mukuro told her she'd made sure to pick a place where many people would be playing today, and sure enough there are at least thirty people in the room... although most of them are clearly younger than the two of them, which Sayaka supposes is kind of embarrassing. There's a good number of boys and girls who are at least their age though, or close.

At least Mukuro doesn't overdo it too much with the seriousness, lest any of the kids start fleeing in terror. Which they might do anyway after seeing her in action. Isn't it kind of unfair for the Ultimate Soldier to play against normal people, especially children and young teenagers? Probably, but Sayaka is looking forward to it. After all, Mukuro and her will be on the same team.

Mukuro's briefing comes to an end. "The first match will be team elimination," she says. "It's simple; everyone gets five lives. The match ends either when one team completely eliminates the other one or when the time limit is reached. In the latter case, the team with more members left is the winner. Any questions?"

"Aren't there supposed to be... um. Thingies where you can give yourself another five lives?" A girl, probably twelve or so, asks. "I've been here before and we played like that. The team that has to use those thingies less wins."

"We're not using revives." Mukuro answers. "That would be cheap. There should be consequences for making mistakes and losing all your lives. Having five instead of just one is bad enough already. In war, there are no second chances."

There is an awkward pause, before a boy who's probably the same age as the girl speaks up. "This is a game though..."

"Any other questions?" Mukuro asks, utterly ignoring him.

"Yeah!" One of the boys their own age bellows, squinting at Mukuro. "We're not allowed to get physically violent, right?"

"No, that's against the rules." Mukuro says. She fixes the boy with a strange look, almost like a glare. "Any more questions?" When it's obvious there won't be another one, she continues. "Alright, then I'm going to be assigning the teams now."

Another boy their age seems to take issue with the sorting though. "Hey, what's the deal? Shouldn't the teams be more, uh, even?"

Sayaka understands his issue, seeing as the team Mukuro and her are on is full of kids and the younger teens here while the other team is almost exclusively made up of the older ones, but she can guess what the reasoning behind that is.

Sure enough, Mukuro says more or less what Sayaka thinks. "The skill gap isn't that significant between a thirteen year old and a seventeen year old when it comes to laser tag. Besides, my team needs a handicap."

The boy looks confused. "Uh, why?"

"Because I'm on it."

Sayaka tries her best not to laugh when the boy can only blink stupidly in response. She'd call it boasting, except it was said it in such a flat tone that it'd be wrong to call it that. She knows that as far as Mukuro is concerned, this was merely stating a fact.

When they're putting on their vests with their team, Mukuro insisting she has to relay their strategy to them first, Sayaka has to sate her curiosity about something from before just now. "Hey, Mukuro-san," she says after her crush is done talking. "Why did you glare at that one guy? The one who asked if violence is allowed."

"I recognized him as that boy who insulted Junko-chan at the mall," Mukuro replies, her eyes narrowing. "He clearly remembers me."

"Wow, small world." Sayaka hums. "You can't wait to kick his ass, can you?"

"It's just laser tag," Mukuro mutters, like she hasn't just spent the last three minutes explaining flanking maneuvers to slack-jawed junior high schoolers. She pauses for a moment, before adding: "But yes."

The game room feels familiar to Sayaka once she enters it, though she can't recall the room being so... big, can't recall the fluorescent lights glowing from the walls and ceiling being quite so dazzling. She's pretty sure every color on the planet is present in this room. Either laser tag has come a long way in just a few years or Mukuro just picked out a really high-class place. Possibly both.

Either way, Sayaka can tell she's going to enjoy this.

"Listen up." Mukuro adresses their team. "You all know what to do. Don't be intimidated by their size, it just makes them a bigger target. Beta squad!" She barks. "Advance to the pink pylons, two o'clock!"

All she gets in response are looks full of incomprehension. "Two what?" A boy asks. "What are you talking about?"

Mukuro sighs. "It's a way to tell directions." She points to the pink pylons. "That's two o'clock, because that's where the two would be if there was a clock in front of you. Just imagine it like that. Now, where would six o'clock be?"

"Right behind us!" The same boys answers.

"Yes, good." Mukuro nods approvingly. "And where would eleven o'clock be?" She looks at one of the girls. "You, answer."

"D-Directly in front of us, only a bit to the left. Like, uh, where the green light is shining right now?" The girl answers, obviously terrified.

"Yes, that's right. Do all of you understand now?" Mukuro questions. Everyone nods. "Then what are you waiting for, beta squad? Pink pylons!" Four young teens hastily scramble forward.

At this point, Sayaka isn't sure whether she feels like bursting into laughter at the absurdly serious treatment a match of laser tag is receiving or wants to squee over how cute Mukuro is because of that. It's like her crush is a completely different person. It's somehow a combination of adorable, cool, and hilarious. Also, if she's honest with herself, it's kinda attractive... then again, the usual Mukuro is all of these things as well, just in different ways.

The next couple of minutes are the most fun Sayaka's had in a long time. She enjoys the shooting by itself, of course, but the way Mukuro is treating the game just makes everything a hundred times funnier.

"Delta squad, flanking maneuver! Use the purple blocks as cover!"

"Gamma squad, advance to the yellow wall! Beta squad, suppressive fire!"

"Alpha squad, follow me!"

They're all actually doing a surprisingly good job following the commands. Sayaka believes it might be because they're thinking of what Mukuro might do to them if they failed. She feels bad for finding humor in someone else's fear, but she still has to bite the inside of her cheeks to keep herself from laughing at the spectacle nonetheless.

Alpha squad consists of Mukuro, Sayaka, and two children, a boy and a girl.

"Hold up, alpha squad!" Mukuro barks, the hand she isn't holding her gun with shooting in the air at the same time.

"What's wrong, ma'am?" Sayaka asks in the most serious voice she's capable of. She has to bite her lower lip afterwards to stop herself from ruining it.

Not even reacting to being called that, Mukuro elaborates. "This open area at twelve o'clock is a good spot to ambush the enemy. They're going to come by sooner or later." She turns to the boy and the girl. "Blue, you're coming with me to the other side. Red, you stay here with Sayaka-san."

"Uh... who's Blue and who's Red?" The girl wants to know.

"Your hair is blue, his hair is red." Mukuro tells the girl. "Now come on!"

Blue quickly takes off after Mukuro, leaving Sayaka with Red.

"That big sis is crazy." Red mutters.

"What was that?" Sayaka asks him, voice sharp. "Do you want me to tell your commanding officer you said that? Do you know what she does to people who insult her behind her back?"

Red's eyes widen comically. "N-No! Look, I'm sorry!"

Sayaka laughs. "I'm just messing with you," she says, giving him a wink. "I'm sorry if my friend is ruining the match for all of you. Honestly, I didn't expect her to be that into it."

Red lets out a relieved sigh. "It's actually a lot of fun," he admits. "I'd hate to be on the other team though. Your friend's scary..."

Sayaka grins. "She's awesome."

"I guess so... I mean did you see how she shot those four guys? I swear I blinked once and by the time I've opened my eyes they all lost a life. Just like that. That was so cool..."

It really was. As a bonus, that obnoxious guy whose wrist Mukuro nearly broke was one of them. The look on his face after losing a life like that was priceless.

They don't have to wait long for the other team to come by. Mukuro holds up her hand, makes a few gestures Sayaka tries her best to interpret, then starts counting down the seconds with her fingers. Nodding to her, Sayaka mutters: "Red, we're about to ambush the enemy. I think my friend is gonna take out the four on the left, so we're gonna aim at the four on the right. I'll take the two furthest to the right, you the two other ones. Got that?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

Sayaka isn't sure whether to be flattered or amused at being adressed like that, but she isn't about to correct it. "Good! No prisoners!"

"No prisoners, ma'am!" Red agrees.

As soon as Mukuro lowers her last finger, she seems to be already popping out of cover and shooting. Sayaka considers Satomi to be fast, but her bandmate has nothing on her crush.

She follows Mukuro's example, not looking if Blue and Red are doing the same. To her delight, she recognizes one of the enemies she picked for herself as the obnoxious guy and immediately aims at him. She watches one of his lives disappear with great satisfaction.

Every enemy loses a life before they can even blink, after which Mukuro gives the command to fall back. They could take way more than just one life each, but, probably to keep things a bit more balanced, there is a slight delay after someone loses a life that makes them immune for a few seconds. Mukuro could still probably win the entire thing by herself even if she had one life while every other player was on the enemy team and had ten.

Even with the balancing though, the whole affair is still utterly one-sided, but that doesn't keep it from being fun.

Blue and Red are both laughing when they all take cover behind some rainbow colored pylons.

"Did you see the dumb looks on their faces?! I got two of them, ma'am!" Red boasts to Mukuro.

"Yeah! I got two of them too!" Blue says with utmost pride. "What are we gonna do next, ma'am?!" She asks Mukuro.

Mukuro looks puzzled for a moment, no doubt picking up on what both are calling her, but regains her composure quickly. "We're going to group up with delta squad. If they followed my instructions, they should be ready to move into enemy territory by now."

"Are you ready to demolish the other team?!" Sayaka asks them with enthusiasm. Blue and Red both have cheerful grins on their faces.

"Yes, ma'am!"

"You bet, ma'am!"

Mukuro's lips quirk up too. "Alright," she says. "Then let's go!"

When the match is finally over after the enemy team has been eliminated, it turns out that their own team didn't suffer a single loss. Most of them lost one or two lives, but no one lost more than three. None of the four members of alpha squad lost a single life.

"Are you having fun, Mukuro-san?" Sayaka asks before the second match starts.

"Yes," Mukuro mumbles, looking kind of embarrassed. "Maybe I'm kind of overdoing it though..."

"You are, but it's really adorable." Sayaka giggles when Mukuro's cheeks redden. "And it's cool to watch you shoot and give orders and all that. I'm really glad you're having so much fun."

"You should be the one having fun though. It's your birthday."

"I'm having the time of my life!" Sayaka says sincerely. "Seriously, Mukuro-san, this is awesome! I forgot how much fun laser tag is. Thank you."

Mukuro's smile has never looked brighter. "I'm glad..."

"Now let's kick some more butt!" Sayaka cheers. "But, um, maybe you want to be less strict. Blue and Red think you're amazing, but most of the other kids here are scared of you, so let's take it a bit easier this time."

"Yes, you're right." Mukuro says. "I suppose I can treat it more like... a game." Louder, she declares: "Listen up, everyone. We're going to be using revives next round."

The kids whisper excitedly among themselves, and most of the other team's members at least look slightly mollified. Sayaka's been having fun, but it's not like she wants that to be at the cost of other people's fun.

In the two following matches they play, Mukuro manages to sound a lot less like she's about to shoot anyone for desertion if they don't answer her fast enough or comply with her commands within three seconds. The kids are getting more enthusiastic too -- at one point Sayaka realizes they've all started to call both of them 'ma'am'. It's kinda awesome, if she's being honest.

They win both of the matches, of course, Mukuro being the only person who never lost a single life throughout all of them. Sayaka wanted to have a perfect record too, but she lost one life in the third one. She feels kinda silly for being so frustrated over it. At least she got to take a few lives away from the obnoxious guy in every single match.

Sayaka feels a bit sorry for the other team, mostly older teens who all look kinda humiliated in the face of basically kids cheering about their victory over them, but she's had so much fun that it's hard to care. Most of the other team's members do look like they still had fun though.

"Aren't you gonna give a speech?" Sayaka asks Mukuro after their third victory.

Mukuro gives her a look. "No," she says flatly. "But maybe you want to buy everyone juice as a reward?"

Before Sayaka can give a retort, one of the girls from gamma squad who's about one head shorter than them starts tugging on Mukuro's shirt. "Hey, big sis! Are you gonna come again?"

"Um." Mukuro blinks at the girl like she isn't sure what she's seeing. "I'm not sure. Why?"

"You gotta come again!" The girl insists. "It's so awesome, how you- how you shot that one guy and then whirled around and shot the other guy and jumped over the pink thingy and shot that girl while you were in the air and then...!" She gestures wildly with her hands.

"It was so cool when the other big sis picked me up and I got to shoot that big, mean boy who told me laser tag isn't for little girls!" Another girl, from beta squad, squeaks, smiling brightly at Sayaka. She returns it -- the unbridled joy on the girl's face almost melts her heart.

"Laser tag isn't for girls?!" A boy from delta squad asks, sounding absolutely scandalized. "How can anyone think that when... when..." He points at Mukuro helplessly, his eyes wide.

Sayaka isn't sure how she can keep herself from laughing as the kids swarm around them, chattering away with enthusiasm, boasting about their own accomplishments, but most of all praising Mukuro. Said girl looks utterly out of her depth, mostly just staring at the various kids around her in a mix between bewilderment and mild panic, her cheeks an adorable pink.

"We're gonna come back, alright?" Sayaka says loudly.

"Really?!"

"You mean it, big sis?!"

"I knew it!!!"

"Unless!" Sayaka grins at Mukuro. "My friend here has any objections?"

Everyone stares at Mukuro. She blinks. "Um... I don't mind."

The kids start cheering. Very loudly.

With a good deal of effort, they eventually manage to wrest themselves away from the crowd of excited children. By the end of it, Mukuro seemed to have lost most of her patience, so Sayaka is glad they managed to leave before her crush made any kids cry or anything like that. She'd do it by accident and would no doubt try to awkwardly apologize for it, yes, but the less tears the better.

Something is seriously wrong with her for thinking that'd be endearing.

"I'm looking forward to playing again!" Sayaka declares after they step outside and into a luckily still sunny afternoon.

"You meant what you said in there to the children?" Mukuro asks, almost shyly. "You, um... you want to do this again?"

Sayaka grins. "I sure do! I hope you don't mind."

The answer comes out as a mumble. "No, it's fine."

"Oh, come on!" Sayaka laughs. "You loved every second of it. Don't try to hide it, Mukuro-san!"

Mukuro looks so flustered that Sayaka feels the urge to pet and coo over her like she would over a small animal. "I-I suppose..."

"It was great seeing what you were like in there," Sayaka tells her. "Like a real... general or something! I never really thought about it, but I guess you're not just good at shooting, huh? You're also good at... what's the word? Strategy, I guess?"

"No, not really," Mukuro answers. "I actually tried to simplify things a lot while we were playing so I wouldn't confuse anyone too much. For example, a squad doesn't consist of just four people. Typically, sixteen people would be a small platoon. The groups of four I made would be classified as fireteams, but obviously the term loses meaning considering we were just playing laser tag. Anyway," she cuts herself off abrupty. "I'm sorry, Sayaka-san. I'm rambling."

For most part Mukuro has grown out of the habit of staring at the floor when she's embarrassed, but she still lowers her head a bit as if she's ashamed.

Sayaka hates seeing that.

"Don't be! I like hearing about that stuff, I mean it!" She assures Mukuro, though she should probably elaborate more, or she might look like she's lying. "Well, I'm not some kind of military nerd or anything, but finding things out about you is nice. I'm interested in them because you're interested in them."

Mukuro nods slowly. "That makes sense." It almost sounds like she wants to add 'I think', but doesn't.

"What was that you said about not being good at strategy though?" Sayaka asks. "You said you simplified things, but it was still really impressive!"

"Well, I'm the Ultimate Soldier, not the Ultimate Commanding Officer," Mukuro says. "I mean... I'm good enough to lead a squad or a small platoon in the field, but I couldn't do much more than that. Someone used to tell me I excel in analyzing combat scenarios when I'm currently in them, like I have a sixth sense for that kind of thing in the spur of the moment. I'm not bad at it outside of that or anything, just not as good. Planning things in advance or commanding an entire company wouldn't be something I'm good at, because there are too many different things to consider. I'm not smart enough to account for every possibility of a plan going wrong or anything like that." Her eyes get a faraway look. "I did manage to plan something big one time, but that was... I had to..." She blinks. "I'm rambling again, aren't I?"

Sayaka smiles at her reassuringly. Hearing her crush talk this much at once is rare, but she's delighted whenever it happens. "Like I said, I enjoy listening to you. The sixth sense thing sounds really impressive, Mukuro-san. Don't feel bad about that other stuff. It's like you said, you're the Ultimate Soldier. You're supposed to get orders and not give them, right?"

"Yes, I suppose..."

"And what was that big thing you were just mentioning?" Sayaka asks. "I'd like to hear about it."

"That's..." Mukuro mutters, getting an odd look on her face that Sayaka can't read. "That's not something you would want to hear."

Sayaka winces, realizing her desire to learn more about Mukuro went too far just now. "Of course," she says quickly. "I wasn't trying to make you remember anything unpleasant. We shouldn't talk about it if you don't want to."

Mukuro nods.

An uncomfortable silence hangs in the air. Sayaka tries to think of what to say, while Mukuro appears to be lost in her thoughts.

"It's just-" Mukuro begins, but is interrupted by a loud voice.

"Hey! You were pretty cool in there!"

Even before Sayaka turns her head to the voice, she is ninety-nine percent certain it's that obnoxious boy who tried harassing Mukuro and Junko at the mall.

She's right, sadly.

Once he has Mukuro's attention -- that being her blank face moving vaguely to glance in his general direction -- the obnoxious boy continues. "It was great, the way you jumped around in there and kicked everyone's asses." He laughs in a self-deprecating kind of way. "Mine included."

"Was there anything you wanted?" Mukuro asks him flatly.

Despite the less than enthusiastic tone in Mukuro's voice, the boy seems unperturbed. "I just recognized you from a few weeks back," he says happily, as if that encounter involved the two of them quietly drinking tea together. "And I thought I should apologize to you."

Sayaka glances from his face to Mukuro's, his wide smile clashing with her blank expression. "I see."

Oddly enough, the boy seems encouraged by Mukuro's deadpan response rather than turning around and leaving. "So yeah, I was a real jerk. I'm sorry for annoying you and your sister. That was totally out of line."

Sayaka feels her eyebrows raising. Good on him to apologize, she supposes. She didn't really expect it, to be honest.

"It's fine." Mukuro says. She sounds far from warm, but makes a moderate amount to be polite, which probably means she's slightly taken aback by the apology too.

"And I'm sorry for ignoring you." The boy continues. "That was really rude of me. And really stupid. I mean, now that I actually get a good look at you I've realized you're gorgeous!" He smiles. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Sayaka wants to slug him.

But despite her desire to do so, she feels like laughing when she sees the expression on Mukuro's face -- utter incredulity.

"Honestly, I can tell you're a real special girl," the boy babbles on. "I like girls who can kick ass, you know? Do you wanna see a magic trick?" Apparently taking Mukuro's confused silence as a yes, he reaches inside his pocket, taking out a coin. "I'm gonna make the coin disappear, watch!"

Having seen that magic trick a hundred times already, Sayaka knows what's about to come. When the boy makes the coin 'disappear' in his right hand and reaches towards Mukuro's left ear to make it 'appear', Sayaka reacts without thinking.

The boy nearly jumps when she grabs his wrist, his eyes darting to her for the first time since he approached them. "Excuse me," she says with a smile that feels sour to her, stepping between him and Mukuro. "Could you please not touch my friend's lovely hair? You'll ruin it."

"H-Hey now, I was just-"

"Haven't you learned your lesson about touching girls without their permission?" Sayaka asks the boy in a friendly tone, even though she wants nothing more than to kick him in the crotch. "It's really rude to do that."

The boy glares at her. "I wasn't even talking to you. Don't get arrogant just because you're a celebrity. Y-You're just jealous, because I was talking to her and not you."

The accusation that she'd want the attention of a boy as annoying as him nearly makes Sayaka's blood boil, but she can't lose her temper like this. "I assure you, I get more attention than I know what to do with from better people than you," Sayaka informs him cooly. "Either way, my friend wouldn't be interested in you in a million years. And she would've done more than just grab your wrist if I hadn't interrupted." She lets go of his hand, feeling the urge to wash her hands.

The boy looks over her shoulder, presumably at Mukuro, and what he sees there seems to destroy the rest of what passes for his courage. Without another word he walks off, muttering to himself.

"Sorry, Mukuro-san." Sayaka turns around to her friend, shooting her an apologetic smile. "I should've just let you handle it, probably. But I couldn't help myself."

"You were just trying to look out for me, Sayaka-san," Mukuro mumbles. "And um... I kind of liked seeing you like that..."

"I guess it was pretty cool," Sayaka admits with a grin. "How I valiantly protected you from that brute."

Mukuro gives her a flat look. "The only reason I didn't stop his hand was because I didn't want to touch him. I would have dodged once it had gotten too close."

"Geez, don't rain on my parade." Sayaka pouts, but can't help laughing. "Your face when he tried to hit on you... I wish I'd have taken a picture!"

"I'm glad you didn't."

"I didn't know someone could look annoyed, confused, and disgusted all at once, but still have such a blank expression anyway!"

"I didn't know how to react..." Mukuro mutters, as if annoyed with herself.

"I know, it was hilarious!" Sayaka giggles. "So, am I finally getting my present now though?"

"Right." Mukuro blinks. "Actually, there's somewhere I want to go with you for that. The flower garden. Do you mind?"

"Not at all! You know how much I love it up there." Getting her present in the flower garden sounds amazing.

Though honestly, she doesn't look forward to the present as much as to the act of Mukuro giving it to her.

 

-

 

It's gotten a bit windy once they arrive, to Sayaka's delight. Not just because it's hot and she wants to feel the cool air on her skin, but also because she adores watching the flowers dance in the wind a little.

She's even more delighted when she sees the flower arrangement. It seems as though someone has changed it around from last time. There's dahlias in all colors, red orchids and red poppies, purple asters... and a lot of sunflowers, which happen to be one of Sayaka's favorites.

"Do you want to sit down?" Mukuro asks.

Sayaka manages to look away from the sunflowers and at Mukuro instead -- not hard, since her crush is even more beautiful. "Sure! Do I get my present now?" She teases.

"I have two for you," Mukuro mumbles as they both sit down on the nearest bench. "A personal one and... a practical one, in case you don't like the personal one. I'm going to give you the practical one first, alright?" Upon receiving a nod, Mukuro puts her plastic bag on her lap and pulls out something large.

"Oh?" Sayaka opens her mouth in slight surprise. "This is pretty big, Mukuro-san! Did you wrap it yourself too?"

"Yes, but it took me a lot of tries to make it look nice," Mukuro admits. She hands the present to Sayaka, looking sheepish. "Um... I'm sorry, but I forgot to tie a ribbon around it. I only noticed it missed one just earlier, so I couldn't really..." She trails off.

"Geez, it's fine!" Sayaka winks at her, putting the present on her lap. "Like Yukari always says, I'm gonna open it anyway! Speaking of!" She begins pulling at the silver wrapping paper, at least making an effort to not come across as an overeager ten year old when it's Mukuro's present she's opening.

Sayaka gasps as she pulls the last bit of wrapping paper off and holds the present up in front of her. It's an old-fashioned porcelain tea set. And not just that; when she opens the box she sees that the teapot, the cups, and the saucers are all engraved with elegantly curved musical notes. "Mukuro-san," she says breathlessly. "This is wonderful..."

"R-Really?" Mukuro seems genuinely stunned for a moment, before smiling brightly. "Ah, you know, I wanted to ask the headmaster if he could allow you to brew tea in your room like he allowed Ludenberg-san. It turns out that's not even against the rules to begin with."

"Is that so?" Sayaka frowns. That's not what Celeste implied when she asked her about that. "Then I take everything nice I said about Celes-san back! Wait, you actually asked the headmaster about that?"

"I was planning on giving you the tea set already and I didn't think I could get you anything better," Mukuro reasons. "But no, he wasn't there. Kizakura-sensei said it would be fine if you brewed tea in your room though."

Everyone knows Kizakura is an extremely lax teacher, so Celeste may not have tricked her after all. Still, Sayaka knows even if it was against the rules and she got caught, Kizakura wouldn't mind taking responsibility for it. "Then I'm sure it's fine!" She tells Mukuro. "Thank you so much for the present, Mukuro-san. It's really beautiful and thoughtful."

"I'm glad." A faint blush on both fo her cheeks accentuates Mukuro's words. "Let's put it in the plastic bag again." Nodding with a smile, Sayaka hands her the box.

"So..." She begins  after Mukuro put the present back into the plastic bag. "What's my other present? I already love the practical one, so you don't have to worry anymore!"

Mukuro's face reddens, further spiking Sayaka's curiosity. "Let's look at the flowers first, if you don't mind..." She suggests weakly.

Sayaka knows it's only a way to stall for time -- Mukuro isn't someone who particularly likes flowers, she can tell. But even so, she doesn't want her crush to be uncomfortable, so she nods. She scoots closer to Mukuro on the bench, their legs almost touching.

"Hey, Mukuro-san," Sayaka begins, smiling serenely as she watches some nearby asters shudder in the wind. "Did you know that I enjoy flowers a lot? They can symbolize a lot of emotions and thoughts... so if you can't express either in words for some reason, you can speak through the flowers. Do you want to guess what sunflowers represent?"

Mukuro swallows, clearly flustered from sitting so close to each other. "Maybe... happiness?"

Sayaka giggles. "Partly, yes," she says. "Flowers can mean a lot of different things in different cultures, and to different people. For me, sunflowers represent... strength. And compassion."

"You're both of these things," Mukuro mumbles. "It fits."

"I'm flattered you think so," Sayaka replies. She smiles, hoping Mukuro doesn't pick up on how sardonic it probably looks. If only she was strong and compassionate enough... "But I think you fit better. You're strong, and really compassionate when you talk to Mikan-san." She giggles when she spots Mukuro's cheeks reddening. Deciding to take mercy on her poor crush, she continues. "The dahlias are important to me too, Do you know what they mean to me? Commitment. Going through hardships without giving up... following your dreams..."

"I see..." Mukuro's voice sounds faint, as if she's far away.

"Asters," Sayaka says, wanting nothing more than to hold Mukuro's hand right now. "Asters symbolize patience..."

The irony isn't lost on her.

"You are patient." Mukuro says as if reading her thoughts again, her leg brushing against hers, the contact sending shivers down Sayaka's spine. "And you've been following your dreams, haven't you? You're the Ultimate Idol... it shows commitment too."

Sayaka swallows, feeling close to tears. She wants to believe Mukuro's words, but...

But... Mukuro doesn't know...

"Orchids..." Why does she have to think of that now? "Red orchids symbolize passion... like..." She can't let those thoughts ruin her date with Mukuro. "My passion for being an idol... but I..." Sayaka feels like she's going to throw up. "I'm not..." What her passion did to Hitomi. How her passion ruined her relationship with Dad. "And- and poppies... they mean two things to me... love..." Mukuro. "And... the other thing... they..." Amane.

"Sayaka-san?" The concerned way Mukuro says her name snaps Sayaka out of her stammering. "Are you alright? You're shaking a bit."

"Y-Yeah... sorry about that." Sayaka tries her best to shoot Mukuro a bright smile, but it feels painful. "I was just thinking about some things..."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

For a moment, Sayaka honestly considers doing that. But, she can't use her birthday to burden Mukuro with her problems... and she isn't sure she feels ready to tell her yet either. "It's okay," she says. "I'd rather not talk about it now."

"If you're sure..." Mukuro's forced yet still genuine smile looks far more natural than Sayaka's feels.

"W-Well, at least you learned some things about flowers." Sayaka forces a laugh -- it sounds hysterical to herself.

"Yes," Mukuro mumbles, giving her a worried look. "I think... do you want your second gift now?"

"... That would be nice." Sayaka tells her, smiling slightly. She's almost forgotten about that.

"I need a moment to prepare." Mukuro closes her eyes, audibly swallowing. She looks terrified, almost, but also determined.

Is it because Mukuro wants to make her feel better? She feels her heart jump at the thought, but still...

"Mukuro-san? If doing it scares you, you shouldn't-"

"No!" Mukuro interrupts her. "It's... it's fine. I just need a moment, really."

Sayaka hums softly. "Take your time, then. No pressure."

Seconds pass, Sayaka feeling her heartbeat quicken. She doesn't know what Mukuro is about to do, but it's making her feel excited. The way Mukuro presses her lips together in a thin line, the way her fingers are digging into her jeans, the way she's keeping her eyes shut so forcefully.

After what seems like ages, Mukuro finally gives Sayaka her second present.

She starts singing in a low voice.

_"The bamboo leaves rustle,"_

Sayaka breathes sharply, staring at her crush in wonder.

_"Shaking away in the leaves."_

Mukuro's voice... she didn't know it could sound so soft.

_"The stars twinkle,"_

Of all the things... she never would have thought Mukuro would give this to her...

_"On the gold and silver grains of sand."_

Sayaka watches Mukuro's lips close and part again, watches it like she's in a trance.

_"The five-color paper strips,"_

She wants nothing more than to kiss her crush right now, but would never dream of interrupting her singing even if she was allowed to kiss her...

_"I have already written."_

And Sayaka realizes...

_"The stars twinkle,"_

Not for the first time obviously, but right now it's the first time she understands with perfect clarity that...

_"They watch us from heaven."_

That she's hopelessly in love with Ikusaba Mukuro.

Mukuro opens her eyes, glancing at her anxiously. "I know the star festival is technically in August, but celebrations often start today and I mean it makes more sense to sing it today on your birthday rather than-"

"Mukuro-san," Sayaka whispers, not able to look away from Mukuro's eyes. "That was beautiful. You're beautiful. And I..."

"S-Sayaka-san...?" Mukuro's cheeks turn beet red, and Sayaka only now realizes that she's been moving closer and closer to her crush's face.

Sayaka breathes slowly, suppressing the urge to kiss Mukuro. She can't pressure her, she'll just have to tell herself that over and over again. Even if she's in agony. "Can..." She licks her lips. "Can we hold hands?"

"Yes..." Mukuro says quietly, holding out her hand.

When Sayaka takes it, she realizes it's shaking. "Mukuro-san," she mutters, squeezing it. "You're so cute."

Mukuro stares at her lap. She squeezes back, albeit weakly. "... Do you really think so?"

Sayaka lets out a short giggle. "You still doubt that, after all this time? You're cute... and you're pretty. You're lovely, and funny, and your singing is fantastic. There's nothing I like more than spending time with you. You're really important to me, Mukuro-san..."

"You're important to me too, Sayaka-san," Mukuro mumbles. "And you're pretty too... and- and funny. And lovely too... and..."

"Breathe." Sayaka advises gently.

Mukuro breathes slowly. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just want you to know how much I like you." She gives her a fearful look, one that nearly breaks Sayaka's heart. "I... I like you a lot. I was scared to sing for you, but I'm happy you liked it..."

"Oh, Mukuro-san," Sayaka murmurs, her heart hammering in her chest. She squeezes Mukuro's hand again, then touches the wolf bracelet with her other hand. "I'm really glad you're wearing that every day." She tells her with a smile, then frowns. "It's a shame you had to get rid of the tattoo. It was pretty, and really suited you."

"I'm glad you liked it," Mukuro answers, staring down at her hand somberly. "But to be honest... I'm glad to be rid of it..."

"Oh? Didn't you like it?"

"I didn't really care about it," Mukuro mutters, suddenly looking very exhausted. "I got it back when I was with... the people I trained with. It was supposed to be a mark of loyalty, but I was never loyal to them. I..." Her eyes narrow. "I never belonged to them."

"You don't belong to anyone." Sayaka assures her gently. "No one owns you."

Mukuro is quiet for a moment. "It doesn't matter either way," she says eventually. "I like your bracelet more than I liked that tattoo."

Sayaka smiles, though Mukuro's voice fills her with a sense of uneasiness she can't explain. "I'm really glad you like it so much. And you more than paid me back with your presents. They were both amazing, honestly."

"I'm glad you liked them." Mukuro returns the smile. "I was afraid of messing it up. Junko-chan never likes my gifts much... she only ever liked two of them, and one of them were the ruby earrings I gave her a while back."

"It sucks that she lost them," Sayaka says, giving her crush a sympathetic look. "She liked them a lot though. I bet she was really upset that she couldn't find them anymore. And I'm sure she likes your presents, she's just not really the kind to show it that much. You know best how Junko-chan is like!"

"I suppose..."

Disliking the downtrodden look on Mukuro's face, Sayaka asks: "What about the other present she liked? What was that?"

Mukuro averts her eyes. "I would rather not talk about it."

"Oh, that's okay," Sayaka says, though she's somewhat confused. Why wouldn't Mukuro want to talk about a present? "I'm sorry for asking."

"It's fine."

Sayaka leans against Mukuro, intertwining their hands. She closes her eyes. "We don't have to talk about anything," she assures her crush. "We can just sit together in silence for a bit. Would you like that?"

"... Yes." Mukuro replies after some hesitation, leaning back against Sayaka as well.

She has no idea how much time passes. She can hear the wind blowing, the leaves rustling because of it, the birds chirping...

And after a while, with her eyes closed and leaning against Mukuro, Sayaka begins singing.

_"The bamboo leaves rustle,_

_Shaking away in the leaves._

_The stars twinkle,_

_On the gold and silver grains of sand._

_The five-colour paper strips,_

_I have already written._

_The stars twinkle,_

_They watch us from heaven."_

She opens her eyes, and sees Mukuro staring back at her.

"That was.."

"Breathtaking? Beautiful? So are you."

Mukuro licks her lips nervously, and suddenly, seeing her crush's lips tremble, Sayaka loses her earlier resolve.

She moves her head forward, almost as if she's unable to control herself. "Mukuro," Sayaka all but sighs the name. "Can I call you that?"

"Yes." Mukuro breathes against her face, the word coming out in a strangled manner.

"Then... you can do the same."

"S-Saya..." Mukuro swallows. "Sayaka."

Sayaka is the one who swallows this time. She's pretty sure her heart just skipped a beat. "Say that again, please."

"Sayaka..."

She wants to kiss her so badly.

"Mukuro, can I...?" They both know what she means to ask.

"I..."

"It doesn't have to mean anything." Sayaka says in a quiet, soft tone. "It doesn't have to mean that we're girlfriends. Let's just... forget about our baggage for a bit. And enjoy the moment... Mukuro, there's nothing I've ever wanted to do more than kiss you right now."

It almost looks as if Mukuro's eyes are getting misty. "Y-You're going to hate me if we do this..." She whispers miserably.

Hate her? Hate Mukuro? Never.

"I could never hate you."

"But..."

"You..." Sayaka begins. She doesn't want to say it, but she can't just let Mukuro be the only one to seem like she's selfish. "You might hate me too if I told you about what I did. Even... even if we did end up hating each other... I could never regret kissing you right now."

"Yes, you could..." Mukuro whispers.

"Yeah." Sayaka says, feeling her lips curl up in a smile. "I want to kiss you so badly that I'm making no sense at all..."

Mukuro inches closer to her, her own resolve weakening now. "If- if you hate me... you can hurt me. Enough to make up for my selfishness now."

Her lips are so close. Sayaka closes her eyes. "I would never want to hurt you... but... but you can hurt me too..."

"I don't want to..." Mukuro chokes out. "I don't want to hurt you. I want- I want..." She trails off, breathing slowly.

"Mukuro... do you want me to kiss you?" Sayaka asks, trying her hardest to keep the desperation out of her voice.

"Sayaka..." Mukuro whimpers her name, seemingly close to tears. "Yes."

And for a moment, sitting on a bench by the flower garden, holding hands with the girl she is in love with while they're both leaning against each other, their faces slowly moving towards each other, Sayaka forgets everything in the world. She forgets Amane, Hitomi, and Dad. Forgets her guilt, the sick feeling in her chest, and her regrets.

When her lips touch Mukuro's, it feels as though something in her stomach bursts into flames. With a desperation she never thought she had in her, Sayaka pulls Mukuro closer, feeling her breathe sharply into her mouth as they both part their lips on instinct.

It's a passionate kiss, but that also means it's a clumsy one.

Sayaka always thought her first kiss would be soft, with closed lips, or at most slightly parted.

Her kiss with Mukuro isn't rough, exactly, but it's far from soft. It feels... messy, in a way. Like they both lost control as soon as their lips touched. And their lips are never closed, always locking together and brushing against each other.

It's almost like they're sharing their desperation with each other.

When Mukuro emits a strangled noise from deep within her throat, Sayaka pulls back, both of them breathing heavily, staring into each other's eyes.

"Was- was I being too rough?" Sayaka asks, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. The last thing she wants is to hurt her beloved.

"No, I..." Mukuro swallows, her face flushed so red it looks unhealthy. "I just lost my breath for a moment... d-do you want... again...?"

Sayaka kisses her again. She runs her fingers through Mukuro's soft, black hair, and her beloved sighs into her mouth, causing Sayaka to shudder. She shudders again when she feels strong hands delicately touching her sides. Mukuro is so hesitant to touch her, trying so hard not to harm her that she feels like crying.

Despite the angle being a bit awkward since they're sitting next to each other, Sayaka presses herself closer against Mukuro. The kiss is less passionate all in all, but in return it's a lot more tender as well.

When they both pull back this time, Sayaka feels she has to say the thing that's been on her mind throughout this entire date.

"Mukuro, I know we can't be together yet, but I..." Steeling herself, Sayaka murmurs three words. "I love you."

Mukuro stares at her. "Wh-What?"

"I love you." Sayaka repeats. "You don't have to say it back, but I wanted you to know that... I've been holding it back this entire time. I love you, Mukuro. I love you."

"I..." Mukuro starts shaking, her eyes becoming unfocused. "I- I... I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, I..."

"Mukuro!" Alarmed, Sayaka hugs her tightly. "It's okay. Please calm down. You won't hurt me with that, okay? Even if you don't say it back, that's fine..."

"I love you..." Mukuro croaks. "I love you, Sayaka, but..."

"I know," Sayaka replies gently, ignoring the way her heart is soaring with happiness. She refuses to feel happy when Mukuro is so close to tears. "You can't tell me about those things yet. That's fine. This was my idea, remember? I didn't want to tell you yet either. It'd be unfair to blame you."

"I'm sorry. I'm scum. I'm stupid, useless, a disappointment-"

"No, you aren't!" Sayaka interrupts her in a heated voice. "You're wonderful, Mukuro!"

"Stupid, useless. Stupid, useless Mukuro-"

"M-Mukuro?" Sayaka asks, a flash of fear washing over her. "Hey, Mukuro? Snap out of it!"

Mukuro's glassy eyes become more focused again and she stops her rambling. "I'm sorry," she mumbles, as if dazed. "I was just..."

"It's okay," Sayaka assures. "It's-"

"Do you really mean it?"

Sayaka blinks at the sudden question, the way Mukuro whispered the question fearfully. "I wasn't lying when I said that. I love you, Mukuro. From the bottom of my heart." She smiles at her beloved.

"But I don't deserve it..."

Sayaka hugs her tightly. "I love you," she whispers in Mukuro's ear, stroking her hair gently. "And you deserve to be loved." She pulls back. Now looking at her beloved's face... the tears threatening to spill out of her eyes... Sayaka feels a wave of shame crashing over her. "Mukuro... maybe it was a mistake to kiss. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I- God, I didn't pressure you, did I? I really-"

"Sayaka..." Mukuro says her name so gently it almost makes her heart melt. "Can you... kiss me again?"

For a moment, Sayaka forgets how to breath. "I would love to." She answers.

"... Please don't hate me." Mukuro whispers, before their lips meet again.

Sayaka sighs softly into the kiss.

She could never hate Mukuro.

She could never hate the girl she loves so much. Her cute, freckled Mukuro who sings so well, who is so awkward and lovely and beautiful.

Sayaka raises her right hand and cups Mukuro's left cheek, tracing her fingers along the soft skin. She can feel Mukuro shudder.

She doesn't know what is hurting her Mukuro so much. She can't even begin to imagine what her Mukuro has gone through. But...

But whatever it is, she's not going to have to go through it alone anymore. Sayaka doesn't want to force Mukuro to share her issues with her, but that doesn't mean she can't help.

Kissing her beloved on her birthday, on a beautiful July afternoon, Sayaka swears to herself she'll do everything in her power to make Mukuro happy.

No matter what it takes.

* * *

 


	3. Tre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://inacron.tumblr.com/post/169935939736 (MY GF DREW THE KISS AND I AM VERY EXCITED!)
> 
> This chapter was surprisingly difficult to write. I didn't think I'd have a hard time with it, but then I totally did! I still liked how it turned out, I suppose.

* * *

 

_With Hitomi by her side, Sayaka slowly proceeds to make Amane's life a living hell._

_She has no need for crude methods like poisoning her, or causing her physical harm. No, she attacks Amane where it really counts: the mind._

_It is simple enough; Sayaka uses other idols and staff members of various studios to attain information about Amane, prodding them carefully to tell her all kinds of useful tidbits under the guise of just making small talk, masking her desire to cause her so-called rival (what a joke) pain all the while. How Amane drinks her coffee, her likes and dislikes, what kind of places she enjoys frequenting in her free time, how she treats people around her... things like that._

_As it turns out, people are surprisingly eager to share that kind of information, often through complaining. Amane hasn't made many friends with her behavior in the idol industry it seems, particularly not among the staff members of the various places Glitter Fever visits or has visited to record things or to make an appearance._

_Aside from that, Sayaka also obsessively reads all of Amane's social media, hoping to piece some of the information she got from her direct sources together with something on there, wanting to connect them somehow._

_With all that information she's gathering, Sayaka starts her revenge against Amane._

_It starts out innocent enough; just some dedicated fan who adresses Amane in a perhaps too familiar way over social media. A dedicated fan whose own social media consists entirely of Igarashi Amane._

_Soon, the dedicated fan becomes more bold, starting to message Amane privately as well. That's hardly anything unique, of course. Sayaka gets her own share of private messages by random fans and admirers._

_However, the dedicated fan knows a lot of things about Amane that a mere fan shouldn't be able to know, no matter how dedicated they might be._

_And the dedicated fan doesn't appreciate being blocked either, but luckily it was anticipated -- the dedicated fan has a lot of alt accounts._

_Creepy fans are nothing new, but with Sayaka's information, her vast number of friends and connections within the idol industry, and having Hitomi take her place in acting as the dedicated fan whenever she wants... a dedicated fan turns into a dedicated stalker very soon._

_She tries not to use Hitomi too much -- the girl is already very reluctant and scared, and it'd be bad to push it too much. She often tries to back out, but a few tears here and a bunch of light touches on her arm there are enough to convince her to stay._

_Hitomi's actual role is Sayaka needing to have an alibi. After all, she couldn't have possibly sent any kind of threatening messages through a strange account while she was practicing with her bandmates, or making an appearance on a television show. Of course, she tries not to overdo it too much. Only sending threatening things when she has an airtight alibi might be too suspicious on its own, so it's merely an occasional thing._

_She's sure Amane suspects her either way... but that's what she wants. She wants Amane to think of Maizono Sayaka when those creepy messages keep her awake at night, when they intrude into her mind during practice and cause her to falter for a moment. Not knowing whether she's the target of revenge or if there's actually someone so utterly obsessed with her... it has to drive her crazy._

_Once, during 1 am at night while reading three years old posts on an old blog Amane's long since abandonded, she starts to wonder if maybe she isn't going a little too far with it all. Her need for revenge has almost begun to consume her, hasn't it? And Hitomi gets more and more scared... and something tells Sayaka that it's her Hitomi is getting scared of, not just the situation._

_All of her bandmates have been telling her they're worried about her too. That she's been detached and constantly seems to have her mind somewhere else._

_And Sayaka almost wants to let go of her hatred, let go of her desire to pay Amane back._

_But then she remembers Amane's smug look in the hospital. The way Amane insulted her, belittled her... tried to ruin her ambition. Does someone like that deserve mercy?_

_No, Sayaka decides. Someone like that deserves to live in constant agony. Because that's what taking her ambition away from her would have done, if she'd been cowed by the threats._

_Amane would have done the same to her. That's why her own actions are nothing less than justice. She doesn't feel bad. Can't afford to. So what if she's a little obsessed?_

_Honestly, the hardest thing about this whole business is pretending to like Amane's third rate music so much._

_When Euphony Star and Glitter Fever work together for a show a few months after she'd left the hospital, Sayaka is as chipper as always. Amane barely talks to anyone there, seeming rather reserved... and she tries very hard not to make eye contact with Sayaka._

_Sayaka suppresses a smirk when she notices it. It's good Amane's finally learned her place in the world._

_During the show, she sees Amane's eyes darting through the audience wildly. Fear and paranoia.... if she didn't know what emotions to look for she probably wouldn't recognize them. Despite that, the show goes flawlessly -- Sayaka has to grudgingly admit that the other idol deserves some respect for it. Amane is still inferior to her in every way, but pulling off such a performance while having good reason to suspect her stalker might be watching her during it is worthy of some admiration._

_What's really surprising is that Amane asks her to speak privately in her room after it's over, considering she's been making such an effort to ignore Sayaka as best as she could._

_After that conversation they had in the hospital, Sayaka thinks she has every right to refuse without it being suspicious to do so. Nevertheless, she has a pretty good idea what Amane wants to talk about, so she agrees._

_She wants to see Amane squirm._

_The lighting in Amane's room almost makes it look like her platinum blonde hair is turning white. Sayaka wouldn't be surprised -- sometimes one's hair can turn a bit gray or white from stress. And there's a lot of reason for Amane to be stressed._

_"What is it you wanted to talk about, Amane-san?" Sayaka asks her with cool politeness. She'd like nothing more than act as chipper as she always does, to rub it really in... but that might be suspicious. She wants Amane to suspect her a bit, but she doesn't want her to be sure it's really Sayaka doing all this to her._

_"Look, I..." Amane grits her teeth. "I get it, okay? You win. I know you're the one doing all this. I was wrong about you. Are you happy? Just- just stop with all this psychological stuff."_

_"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about," Sayaka says with a frown. She's been expecting an accusation like this, naturally. "But if you wanted to apologize to me, this isn't a very good way to do it."_

_"I'm sorry!" Amane all but shouts. "Okay? I'm sorry! I shouldn't have threatened you, or tried to... to do that other stuff. I'm sorry, Sayaka-san!"_

_"You shouldn't have done any of that," Sayaka agrees. "But apology accepted."_

_The relief on Amane's face is so palpable that Sayaka almost feels a little guilty. "Okay," she says. "Okay, so... you'll stop. Right?"_

_Sayaka tilts her head. "Stop what?"_

_Amane's relief dies on her face. "Look... just..." She gulps. "I'm not recording this or anything, if that's what you think. Just give me a nod of your head if you agree. Or any other sign."_

_"I have no idea what you're talking about," Sayaka says. She tries her best to look at least a little concerned. "Are you okay, Amane-san? I know we aren't friends, but... you look unwell. What is it you think I'm doing?"_

_"You... you're messing with me, aren't you?" Amane looks torn between uncertainty and anger. "You're that stalker, is what I'm talking about! You're sending me those creepy messages, that stuff about how we're so compatible because we both like two spoonfuls of sugar in our coffee, or how we both have an orange toothbrush! How the hell did you even find that out?! You've paid me back already, okay?! I can't sleep at night sometimes, and I'm really scared! I can't concentrate during practice, because I think I'm being watched or something. I'm terrified of just walking across the street, because I'm imagining some creep is gonna pull me in his damn car! You won, okay?! You're better than me, okay?! Just stop terrorizing me, I'm begging you!"_

_Sayaka doesn't have to feign her shock. It's true, she's been wanting Amane to feel awful more than anything in the world, but seeing the girl lose her composure in such a manner doesn't feel gratifying. Not at all._

_Watching Amane's widened eyes twitch and the way she takes quick, shallow breaths... Sayaka almost considers admitting the whole thing, but she can't. What if Amane gets any funny ideas once she isn't intimidated anymore? What if she wants to take revenge once she realizes it's been Sayaka's doing all along? None of that can be allowed to happen._

_If she gives her an inch, Amane will take a mile._

_Amane started this whole thing. It's her own fault._

_"Look," Sayaka begins, making sure her voice sounds gentle. "I can see you're scared, Amane-san. Having a stalker is a terrible thing, I know that. That's why I would never make anyone else experience such a thing. Have you tried going to the police?"_

_"Yeah, but... they're useless." Amane eyes her, her expression changing from sour to desperate. "Are- are you serious? You're not the stalker? Do you swear?"_

_"I swear I'm not that stalker." Sayaka lies easily. "And I'm sorry you have to go through that."_

_Amane's face turns ashen. "And I thought- I was so sure..." She sits down on the nearby couch, hanging her head. Her pigtails dangle lifelessly in the air, almost touching the floor. "God, what am I going to do? I'm going crazy..."_

_"A lot of stalkers lose interest after some time." Sayaka says. "That's what happened with some of mine." She conveniently ignores the fact that none of her few stalkers ever knew so much information about her or were that dedicated._

_"Maybe. Look, I need to be alone right now. Sorry for accusing you, I guess." Amane mutters, trying her hardest not to look Sayaka in the eyes._

_"It's okay. Good luck with your problem."_

_When she closes the door behind her after leaving the room, Sayaka's knees suddenly feel very weak... but she keeps herself on her feet nonetheless. She can't just collapse right here._

_Revenge doesn't feel good anymore, not after seeing that. A part of her still insists Amane deserves to feel like this, but it's drowned out by the guilt she feels._

_Sayaka startles when she hears a muffled sob from behind the door. Feeling sick to her stomach, she briskly walks away._

_She has to stop this. It's gone far enough now. But..._

_She can't stop. Not yet. She has to keep it up for a few more weeks, at least. If it stopped a day after their conversation, Amane would suspect her again. It would put her in danger. Maybe Amane would go back to her old ways, too._

_Maybe... being humbled by experiencing something like this is exactly what Amane needed. Sayaka did hear that Amane has become a lot less abrasive lately..._

_No, no. She can't act like she's done anyone a favor by doing this. She's pushed it too far. She knows she needs to keep doing it for some time to avoid suspicion, but she can tone it down a bit. Surely Amane can endure another few weeks of that?_

_Sayaka gets her answer to that question about two weeks later._

_She feels like someone punched her in the stomach when she sees the news report, her eyes widening as she listens to the news lady state that Igarashi Amane attacked a fan after they touched her arm, scratching their face while screaming about them being 'the stalker'._

_Amane's career as an idol is over._

_And it's all Sayaka's fault._

_"No, no, no." Sayaka mutters to herself. "She started it. She deserved it. It's not my fault she freaked out, it's that stupid fan's fault for touching her. I was gonna stop." She repeats the sentence, shouting it at the TV. "I was gonna stop! You idiot!"_

_She tries to calm herself. What can she do? Even if she did admit to it in public, it wouldn't restore Amane's career. That's not how things work. So she'd just ruin her own career as well as her bandmates'... for what? Some stupid sense of justice?_

_No. She can't sacrifice her ambition for anything like that. Even if she went too far with Amane, it's the other idol that started this whole thing. Sayaka would have never done anything like that if she hadn't been provoked, if she hadn't been so profoundly insulted in such a manner._

_Once she has regained her composure a little, she calls Hitomi. It's not hard to convince the girl not to do anything rash, like admitting to their crime. She stresses the fact that they'd both get into a lot of trouble. That it wouldn't actually help Amane. That it would just ruin the career of four other very promising idols who had nothing to do with it._

_Sayaka feigns sobs as she tells Hitomi that she would never want her to get into trouble, since she was the one who talked her into it to begin with._

_It never seems to occur to Hitomi that Sayaka wouldn't actually have to include her in any kind of confession._

_She feels relief when Hitomi agrees to keep quiet about it, and is glad to be able to turn her phone off at last. She was sure she could talk the other girl into it, but it's still good to get over with._

_Sayaka lays down and falls asleep almost immediately. When she goes to practice afterwards, she sings like she always does and doesn't miss a single beat._

_Steadily, she gets more sure of herself over the next week. There's nothing she could have done. She was going to stop. Amane brought it on herself. Sayaka keeps telling herself all of that._

_By the end of the week though, it all comes crashing down._

_When she turns up for practice that day, having slept in a little, she immediately notices the glum atmosphere among her bandmates._

_"Hey, guys?" Sayaka asks, feeling a growing sense of horror she can't quite explain. "What's wrong?"_

_Satomi and Nana look stricken, neither of them appearing to be willing to speak up. Ayaka's eyes are narrowed in that way of hers whenever she tries to think on how to phrase something._

_It's Yukari who tells her. "You haven't seen the news this morning?" She asks, uncharacteristically hesitant. "It's... I mean- I know none of us liked her, but..."_

_"What happened?" Sayaka tries to keep the panic out of her voice. Yukari swallows._

_"It's Amane. She jumped off a bridge yesterday night. And... she didn't survive."_

 

-

 

It's dark before Sayaka realizes it.

Has she really been sitting next to Mukuro, her head leaning on the other girl's shoulder, for so long? She must have zoned out for a while.

She's grateful that Mukuro doesn't mind the silence. Probably thought it's merely been a peaceful, quiet atmosphere they were enjoying together... not noticing Sayaka's dark thoughts all the while.

Sayaka almost wants to laugh. One or maybe two hours ago, she felt more happy than she ever has in her entire life... but then that's exactly why she started thinking about her past again.

Does someone like her deserve to be this happy? Did she deserve to kiss Mukuro? Did she deserve getting showered with this much love?

How selfish she was being... begging Mukuro for a kiss so desperately. Taking advantage of her in such a manner... wasn't it some kind of manipulation?

Disgusting. She's disgusting. Sayaka hates herself with every fiber of her being. Why can't she stop being this way?

"Sayaka?" Mukuro suddenly asks. "Are you alright? You're shaking."

Sayaka suppresses her thoughts as best as she can before speaking. "I-I guess it's getting a little cold. Sorry, Mukuro."

"It is? Um... do you want to... sit closer to me?"

"How sly," Sayaka says, the teasing coming automatically. She looks up to Mukuro. "But if you wanted me to hug you, you could just ask me to."

The sky has darkened, which is why she can't see the blush on Mukuro's face, but it's obvious from her voice that it's there nonetheless. "N-No, it's just... sharing body heat helps against the cold. That's what I meant..."

"Sure you did." Sayaka giggles, even though she knows perfectly well that Mukuro is telling the truth. As much as she wants to press herself closer against her beloved though, she knows it's time to leave. "We should probably go back home, though."

"Yes, you're right." Mukuro's voice sounds as reluctant as Sayaka feels herself. When they both stand up, her beloved makes a request. "Can we... maybe hug each other before we leave though?"

"Oh, Mukuro..." Sayaka feels her heart jump. "Of course we can." She embraces her beloved, wrapping her arms around Mukuro's shoulders and squeezes her softly.

"I love you." Mukuro mumbles, stiffening immediately. "I-I'm sorry, Sayaka. I shouldn't-"

"No." Sayaka cuts her off, squeezing her more firmly. "No, it's okay. Even if we can't say it to each other tomorrow, today is fine. I love you too, Mukuro." She says the words with a feeling of pain in her chest, forcing down the guilt bubbling up inside of her. She wants Mukuro to feel good. She wants that more than nothing else in the world. "I love you so much..."

Mukuro hugs her back, so fiercely it almost literally takes her breath away. "I love you too," she whispers. "If it's just for today, then... then today I'm yours..."

Sayaka smiles at the phrasing. "You're mine, huh? Then I'm yours too."

"That's... I..." Mukuro trails off, seemingly unsure of what to say to that.

"You don't have to say anything."

Sayaka doesn't know for how long they stand there, quietly embracing each other in the flower garden, but it feels too soon when she pulls back. She wants to kiss Mukuro again, but reluctantly decides that doing so would probably be a bad idea.

They silently walk down the hill.

She wishes the two of them could hold hands. Maybe it would be fine just for today... but...

Sayaka knows even if Mukuro agreed to being girlfriends, people would _look_ if they held hands. And being an idol, she couldn't even do as much with a boy in public lest she'd be accused of dating someone and therefore regarded as 'impure' or 'undesirable'. The scandal if she did the same except with a girl... she can't even guess how big the outcry would be.

She likes to think a lot of people would support her too, but she's realistic enough to know that her career would still be basically over. Maybe she could start a solo career and appeal to fellow LGBT people -- it'd be nice to sing about girls for once -- but she isn't sure how feasible the idea really is, how much support she would receive. Even if she was willing to do that though, she couldn't risk damaging the reputation of her bandmates, who would no doubt be unfairly scrutinized and might receive a large drop in popularity as a result.

Still, despite all her fear and her reservations and her guilt... she just wants to ask Mukuro to be her girlfriend already.

Her secrets aside, Sayaka knows it'd be a selfish thing to do even without them. Not just towards her bandmates, but also towards Mukuro, since they'd have to date in secret. It'd be necessary -- despite the fact that she'd want the entire world to know what a wonderful girl she was dating. Still, she hopes... really hopes that maybe Mukuro wouldn't mind being her secret. And her bandmates _are_ egging her on despite knowing fully well what it could cost them.

And all of those things are just her _own_ issues with the entire relationship business.

She doesn't want to pressure Mukuro either, or make her feel guilty. It's not like she doesn't respect Mukuro's reservations, but it's frustrating to know that they both like each other yet are stuck in this awkward spot where they're both more than just platonic friends and also... not.

Sayaka considers herself to be a fairly patient person, but it's just abundantly obvious that they're both in love with each other. Are the things Mukuro did in the past really that terrible, for her to be so resistant to the idea of being girlfriends? Is she that scared of being hated?

As the Ultimate Soldier, Mukuro might have done some unpleasant things. Sayaka is perfectly aware of that, but it's hard to imagine her cute, so easily flustered beloved to commit... war crimes or anything like that. Then again, it's very ambiguous what Mukuro actually meant when she said she'd killed people for 'bad reasons'. That could mean a lot of things. She might be exaggerating because of trauma, out of guilt.

Not to mention that Sayaka's own hands aren't clean either...

Does the thought of dating someone who killed people make her feel uneasy? Of course it does, but it has to be more complicated than that. The Ikusaba Mukuro she knows isn't some cold, heartless killer devoid of emotions. The Mukuro she knows is shy in a surprisingly adorable way, she's loyal and protective of her friends, she's kind and patient even if she seems mildly exasperated by some things, and even when she's acting awkward and obviously out of her depth, she tries her best to understand the situation she's in and deal with it as best as she can.

Mukuro is a great friend.

Her beloved is a good person.

Sayaka remembers when she was talking about starving herself and Mukuro felt so alarmed that she immediately tried smothering her in energy bars. And even when Sayaka snapped at her for it in a completely undeserved manner, Mukuro was nothing but accommodating, immediately trying to apologize and see things from her perspective.

Sayaka remembers Mukuro making an effort to befriend Aoi even after the latter had been so abrasive to her, never seeming to take offense once and fully willing to take Aoi's passion and energetic behavior in stride despite being more reserved herself, eventually coming to even like and admire it.

Sayaka remembers when Mukuro stood up for Makoto, ready to go as far as to destroy Togami's things for treating the boy with disdain, telling Makoto afterwards that she likes him for being kind, but also that he shouldn't let anyone push him around.

Sayaka remembers Mukuro's kindness when talking to Mikan during their first lunch break with her, the way she gently coaxed the nurse into talking more and tried her best to make sure their painfully shy friend felt good and not awkward. The way Mikan looked at Mukuro in awe whenever she was including her in the conversation said it all.

That's why it hurts, seeing how Mukuro appears to believe she isn't worthy of being Sayaka's girlfriend. She's more than worthy. And, even if she did kill people for... 'bad reasons', how much should she be held accountable for them? Considering she was accepted into Hope's Peak Academy as the Ultimate Soldier, Mukuro would have had to begun training in the army or something like that when she was still a child, or a young teenager at most. Even if she says she didn't care she was killing people or that she knew fully well what she was doing... how true are those statements, really?

Killing people when she was so young... did Mukuro truly know what she was doing?

Is Mukuro just telling herself those things about not caring, to cope with her trauma better?

Sayaka feels bad for assuming so much about Mukuro's past, but she can't help speculating. She wants to be prepared when it's finally time to tell their secrets to each other too, doesn't want to be all shocked and make Mukuro think she's being judged or hated.

As much as she wants to talk about both of their pasts, she's more than a little anxious as well. Scared, even. What if Mukuro feels disgusted upon being told that Sayaka coldly manipulated innocent Hitomi, someone who'd trusted her, into hurting someone else? And worse than that... the thing that happened to Amane as a result... and what she did afterwards... how badly might Mukuro think of her once Sayaka tells her?

Mukuro walks her to her dorm room after they arrive back at school. There isn't much talking -- they both seem to be lost in their own thoughts, not just Sayaka.

"Today was amazing, Mukuro." Sayaka says, and she manages to pull off a genuine smile in spite of her thoughts. Her beloved deserves to be smiled at. "Thank you for a wonderful birthday."

"You're welcome." Mukuro mumbles back.

"I wish today didn't have to end."

"Yes." Mukuro agrees, rubbing her arm. "Me neither..."

"I guess we have to be realistic, huh?" Sayaka giggles, but it sounds fake even to her. "We'll see each other tomorrow, right?"

Mukuro nods. "I hope so, Saya-" She stops herself, visibly hesitating. "Sayaka."

It's phrased almost like a question, so Sayaka answers. "You can call me that! Is it okay if I keep calling you 'Mukuro' as well?"

"Of course it is." Mukuro says quickly.

Sayaka smiles. "Then see you tomorrow, Mukuro."

"See you tomorrow." Mukuro repeats, returning the smile. Her beloved has such a beautiful smile... she should be doing it all of the time. Sayaka is glad she can tease a smile out of her with such frequency.

She gently closes the door, and sighs.

Alone again. She dislikes being alone.

Sayaka lays down on her bed and closes her eyes, knowing her thoughts are going to return.

She wishes Mukuro was with her right now.

 

_-_

 

_Sayaka stumbles out of the bathroom, her head throbbing._

_Despite washing out her mouth five times in a row after throwing up, she can feel an acidic taste in her mouth still. She puts a mint into her mouth and rolls it around, just to be sure._

_She's just glad she didn't do it on the spot when Yukari told her about Amane, and thinking about that immediately makes Sayaka feel like throwing up again._

_It was never supposed to go this far. All her rationalizations from before today seem so weak now, so flimsy. So pathetic. So... despicable._

_She has to face the fact that she was the one who made Amane jump off that bridge. She practically pushed her off it. But... but..._

_She didn't want this to happen. She was just trying to pay Amane back. She didn't mean to hurt her that much._

_(It felt so good to do it though, and the thought of making Amane suffer was what brightened her days whenever she was feeling depressed.)_

_Maybe so... until she actually saw what she was doing to the other idol. Then it didn't feel good anymore._

_(It still felt good, deep down. A part of her still thinks Amane deserved all of it.)_

_Sayaka grits her teeth. What she did was unforgiveable. There's no way out of that._

_(What will confessing to her crimes accomplish though?)_

_It's the right thing to do. Amane's family... they would want to know the truth behind it all, wouldn't they?_

_(Knowing this all started because of Amane's threats?)_

_That's not the point. She can't act like Amane was the one responsible for all of it. It was her own choice to go this far with her revenge._

_(But Amane did start it. Nothing would have happened if it hadn't been for that.)_

_It doesn't justify the fact that she went too far. She has to take responsibility for her own actions._

_(What about Hitomi?)_

_Hitomi was manipulated and lied to. She can leave her out of the confession. It'd be Hitomi's decision if she wanted to confess as well._

_(What about her fans?)_

_They're going to latch onto someone else, obviously._

_(What about her bandmates? What about Euphony Star?)_

_It's true that a scandal like that might disband the group... but she can't just hide behind that to keep quiet about her crime. If Yukari, Nana, Ayaka, and Satomi knew about this whole thing then surely they'd want her to confess too. Besides, the four of them are really talented. None of them would have much trouble finding something else._

_(What about her ambition?)_

_Sayaka's hands curl into fists. She dug her own grave when her revenge spiralled out of control. Even if she can't be an idol anymore... scandals happen to other musicians that they can recover from all the time, don't they?_

_(From something this big though?)_

_Even if she can't recover from this. Even if she has to give up her ambition... it's the right thing to do._

_(Is it?)_

_It is. It absolutely is._

_Sayaka sighs deeply. If she's going to confess, she has to make sure her bandmates aren't going to suffer from any backlash. They will receive some of it no matter what, but there are ways to minimize that kind of thing._

_Unfortunately, there is only one person she can rely on when it comes to something like this._

_Feeling scared yet resolute, Sayaka walks to her manager's office._

_Sonou doesn't look up from whatever document he's reading when she enters the room. "Maizono-san," he says, inclining his head vaguely towards her. "What can I do for you?"_

_"I want to talk about Amane-san." Sayaka tells him, sitting down in front of his desk. That gets him to look up._

_Making eye contact with Sonou is always uncomfortable. Not because he's a creep who ogles her or gives her any other predatory vibes -- in some ways that might be preferable -- but his dark eyes always feel like they're looking directly through her, as if she wasn't even here._

_Still, Sayaka stares back at him, never averting her eyes. Showing weakness in front of her manager is something she absolutely despises doing._

_"Igarashi-san?" Sonou asks after a short pause, his voice impassive. "I don't see what's there to talk about. Even if she didn't die, there was next to no chance of Glitter Fever winning over Euphony Star in the popularity polls. If you're worried people will vote for them out of sympathy-"_

_"It's nothing like that!" Sayaka interrupts him, trying to keep the disgust out of her already heated tone. A girl is dead and the stupid popularity thing is all he cares about? It's just like him to think like that. "I..." Now that she actually has to say it out loud though, she hesitates. "It's... I..."_

_Sonou narrows his eyes. "It's unlike you, not getting straight to business. If you're in trouble, then tell me. I'm going to help."_

_And she wants his help, doesn't she? If there's anything she can rely on when it comes to her manager, it's that he doesn't want Euphony Star fall apart. "I did it!" Sayaka blurts out. "I stalked Amane-san. I turned her into a paranoid wreck. She poisoned me, that's why I was in the hospital back then. And afterwards, she visited me and threatened me and tried to make me quit. And I... I just wanted her to pay, but... I never wanted her to die..." She bites her lower lip. There's no way she can allow herself to cry in front of Sonou._

_"Ah." Sonou says mildly, like she just informed him it was going to rain today. "Then I suppose I owe you an apology."_

_"What?"_

_"I scolded you back then for not paying attention to your diet," Sonou reminds her. "But if Igarashi-san poisoned you, there was nothing you could do. I apologize, Maizono-san."_

_"That's... that's not the point, Sonou-san! Didn't you hear what I just said?!"_

_Sonou leans back on his chair slightly. "I did. It sounds to me like she was threatening your life too, so weren't you just protecting yourself?"_

_"No!" Sayaka insists, his utterly unconcerned demeanor making her feel sick to her stomach. "I wasn't- I didn't... I never thought she was going to kill me or anything-"_

_"But she could have." Sonou argues. "If you ask me, you did the right thing."_

_"The right thing?!" Sayaka glares at him. She hugs herself, gripping both of her arms tightly, her nails digging into her skin."I... I practically killed someone."_

_"I don't think so. How is it your fault that Igarashi-san decided to give up on life just because of one setback? If she hadn't had such a weak will, then-"_

_"Don't you fucking dare insult her!" Sayaka yells, slamming both of her hands on the table. "What the hell do you know about what we idols have to go through? You're just a parasite who's feeding off our popularity. That's all you managers are! I won't let you sit here and insult Amane-san! You're... you're nothing but an ignorant, heartless piece of filth!"_

_"Maybe so," Sonou says, his expression not changing. "But is that a smart way of talking to someone whose help you need?"_

_"The only reason I'm here is because I don't want the other girls to get into trouble!" Sayaka retorts. "I know you don't want that either. You still need them."_

_"They're all talented and it would be bad to lose them," Sonou concedes. "But you're wrong. The one I really need is you. If the choice was between them and you, I would pick you every time."_

_"I'm going to confess to my crime, Sonou-san." Sayaka tells him in a clipped tone. "You can't convince me otherwise."_

_Sonou sighs. "You're a smart young woman, Maizono-san. Surely you know that I'm not just going to give up on the most talented idol in all of Japan."_

_Sayaka purses her lips. "You think flattery is going to convince me?"_

_"Flattery or not, it's the truth. You see..." Sonou smiles, but his eyes still don't lose their dull, lifeless quality. "Hope's Peak Academy might enroll you as the Ultimate Idol. It would be a shame to miss such an opportunity, wouldn't it?"_

_"The... Ultimate Idol?" Sayaka feels her jaw drop. "But... I'm not even the most popular idol in Japan yet."_

_"These people know how much potential you have though. They know it's only a matter of time until you're Number One. You're really going to let go of an opportunity like this over some girl's death?" Sonou scoffs. "The same one who threatened you, who poisoned you? Think of what you could accomplish. How many little girls you could inspire. And now think of what these same little girls would think if they knew the Maizono Sayaka they admire so much has such a dark side to her. Wouldn't it be kinder to spare them that pain? Don't you just want to confess because of some misguided sense of self-righteousness? Is that really the right thing to do? Objectively speaking, keeping your actions a secret is the moral thing to do."_

_Sayaka stares at him. "You... you're just trying to manipulate me. You just want to keep making money! You don't give a damn about any of these things!"_

_"All of what you're accusing me of is true." Sonou admits easily. "But does that mean I'm wrong?"_

_"Yes!" Sayaka insists. "There's no way keeping Amane-san's death a secret and not paying for my crime is the right thing to do. That's... I can't accept that..."_

_"Now, Maizono-san," Sonou begins, his voice still so terribly clam. "I know you're more rational than this. Here is what's going to happen if you confess: you will get into legal trouble obviously, but it's unlikely they will try you for manslaughter instead of just stalking and harassment. On the other hand, your career can't come back from this. And people will always remember you as the crazy idol who was jealous of Igarashi-san and tried to hurt her because of it, even if it's not what actually happened. The fact that you confessed won't matter to anyone. Your fans all across the nation are going to be depressed and disappointed. Some might even commit suicide." He ignores her strangled gasp at this, and continues. "Euphony Star will not be able to survive the backlash. The others might find other groups, but it's unlikely. They will be condemned just for being associated with you. Now I ask you again, do you still think keeping it a secret would be wrong?"_

_"I..." Sayaka whispers. "You're lying, you're... you're making this out worse than it would be."_

_"Part of the reason you came to me was because you wanted to know how bad things would be. I have no doubt about that." Sonou pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his desk drawer. He holds it out to her. "I think you could use a smoke."_

_"I don't smoke." Sayaka lies._

_"Yes, you do. As a matter of fact, Tamura-san is the only one who doesn't smoke out of you five." Sonou snorts. "You think I don't know? I don't care if you smoke. You're all smart enough to be moderate about it."_

_Despite herself, Sayaka takes the cigarette. She really wants to smoke right now. When he lights it, she doesn't thank him. She takes a drag, then puffs out the smoke in a listless manner. The taste of cigarette is still preferable to the taste of vomit, so she doesn't mind it right now._

_"Listen to me, Maizono-san." Sonou puts the pack back into his desk drawer, not taking one himself. "You're a bright young woman. You have more talent than anyone else I've ever seen in this industry. Ruining your career because you feel bad about something you didn't even mean to do may seem noble at first, but it's idiotic in reality. I like to think you're a realist. I've told you why confessing would be a bad idea, not only from a pragmatic but also from a moral standpoint. Unless, of course, being self-righteous is more important to you than the fans you would hurt with this." Sayaka stays silent, staring down at her lap. "If you confessed, the only one you would make feel better is yourself. I realize you don't mean to be selfish, but it's the truth."_

_"But..." Sayaka croaks. "Amane-san's friends... and her parents... they'd want to know the truth..."_

_"Judging from what I knew about her, Igarashi-san didn't have many friends, if any." Sonou says. Sayaka flinches at the cruel words. "And do you think her parents would be happy knowing she brought it on herself?"_

_"She didn't!" Sayaka snarls, the fingers she's holding her cigarette in shaking. "Stop saying that already! It was my fault!"_

_"Don't you think it's better for them to remember Igarashi-san as a tragic victim rather than the one who started it?" When she starts to object, he cuts her off sharply. "Even if you did go too far, they wouldn't be happy with the fact that their daughter did such an awful thing."_

_"I can... I can just leave what she did out..."_

_Sonou makes a soft, disbelieving sound. "And paint yourself as the aggressor? To be frank, Maizono-san, you're too proud to do that. You would never want people to think of you as someone who is merely jealous and petty. And since people are going to think that whether you're going to tell the whole truth or not, I think we both know you don't truly want to confess."_

_"I can't just do nothing." Sayaka says tonelessly. She puts the half finished cigarette in the ashtray on the table, not feeling like taking another drag. "I can't just pretend this didn't happen."_

_"Think of all the young girls you're making happy by just existing then." Sonou sighs, like this entire conversation has been nothing but a mere annoyance to him. "I'm getting tired of repeating myself, Maizono-san. I've called you both smart and realistic, which is why I know that you agree with what I said."_

_"You're horrible." Tears start welling up in her eyes. "You... you're scum."_

_"Am I?" Sonou regards her cooly. "Do you want to know what I think? I think you came here, knowing fully well I was going to talk you out of it. You probably thought about most of the things I've brought up already, but felt listening to yourself would make you a bad person. Me? I'm just a convenient scapegoat, the scumbag who 'manipulated' you into keeping quiet. Someone you can make out to be the bad guy." He stands up and puts his hands flat on the table, leaning forward. "Face it, Maizono-san. You never truly wanted to confess. You may feel bad about what happened to Igarashi-san, but it's not enough to throw your career away for."_

_Sayaka feels very small of a sudden. She swallows._

_He isn't wrong. Why does everything he says make such an awful amount of sense?_

_"I'm scum." Sayaka whispers._

_"You're a realist. You're smart. You like the fame, you like the money, and you have a healthy amount of ambition. There's nothing wrong with any of these things." Oddly enough, Sonou almost manages to sound warm. "You remind me of myself, really. Except you haven't learned not to care yet." He smiles thinly. She doesn't think she's ever seen him smile twice in the same conversation before. "You will learn though. You will make it far in this business, Maizono-san."_

_Sayaka feels sick. She wants to scream she isn't like him at all, but doesn't have the energy to. Instead, she says: "There's someone who knows... who helped me..."_

_Sonou doesn't look shocked, merely thoughtful. "Then explain to them why keeping quiet is the better option. You don't need more of my advice for doing that."_

_"I..." Sayaka stands up slowly. She can't be in this room any longer. It feels as though she's going to suffocate. "I need to go."_

_"Don't let me stop you." Sonou sits back down, starting to go through one of the documents on his desk again._

_When Sayaka opens the door, she hesitates. She turns around. "Why can't we just sing and make people happy?" She asks miserably, knowing fully well she won't get a good answer, but unable to stop herself. The questions start spilling from her mouth uncontrollably. "Why do we have to go through these rivalries and why do we have to starve ourselves and why... why do we have to suffer so much?" She is sounding so melodramatic, but is too upset to care._

_When Sonou looks up at her again, her misty blue eyes meeting his impassive black ones, she sees not a trace of sympathy anywhere on his face. "Because that's how the world works. Get used to it." He says, and focuses on his document again._

_Sayaka leaves his office._

_And she knows she was just manipulated, but..._

_Was anything he said wrong? All of it just... made so much sense. Didn't it?_

_She just wants to go home and curl up under her blanket._

_But... but first she has to talk to Hitomi._

_Can she do this so soon after everything...? She has to. She doesn't want Hitomi to do anything stupid._

_Sayaka opens her phone. Over ten missed calls, and several text messages. All from Hitomi. She quickly sends her a message, telling her they should meet at her home. Dad is at work, so they have the entire apartment to themselves._

_When she arrives at the apartment, Hitomi is already there. Unsurprisingly, it looks as though she's been crying._

_"Sayaka-san, we-"_

_"Not here." Sayaka cuts her off, unlocking the door and ushering the other girl inside quickly._

_As soon as the door is closed, Hitomi starts stammering in panic. "What have we done? I never meant- I never thought- we have to do something! We have to tell someone-"_

_"Hitomi-san." Sayaka interrupts calmly. "We'll get into a lot of trouble if we tell anyone."_

_Hitomi looks at her incomprehensibly. "What are you saying? That we shouldn't say anything? Sayaka-san, you can't mean that! We need to confess!"_

_"If we do, my bandmates will get into trouble too even though they had nothing to do with it. My fans will get depressed, and some might even kill themselves. And..." Sayaka grits her teeth. "I won't ruin my career over something like this."_

_"That's crazy! How- how can you say all of that so easily? We've driven Igarashi-san to do this and you..."_

_"Didn't you listen to me?" Sayaka asks her coldly. "We won't tell anyone. And that's that."_

_"No!" Hitomi shouts. "I will tell the police and... and..."_

_Sayaka tilts her head. "And what? Hitomi-san... do you think anyone would believe you over me?" She scoffs. "Do you know how many people make up rumors about idols? No one's going to care about what you have to say."_

_Hitomi looks stunned for a few seconds, but gathers herself surprisingly quickly. "I can show them the accounts we made!"_

_"You think I haven't deleted them immediately after Amane-san attacked that fan?"_

_Hitomi looks unsure now. "I... I can still... Sayaka-san, please! You're not acting like yourself. I understand that you're scared, but-"_

_"I lied to you all along." Sayaka suddenly sneers. "Did you seriously think I'd ever pay attention to a plain girl like you if I didn't want something? I just used you to get an alibi. You never meant anything to me."_

_"Wh-What?" Hitomi trembles, her eyes going wide. "No, you... you're lying!"_

_"Amane-san never threatened my father either." Sayaka tells the girl without mercy. "All my tears were faked. The truth is I wasn't scared as much as I wanted revenge. And listen to me, Hitomi-san... you won't tell anyone about this. Do you want to know why?" Hitomi stares at her, not saying a word. Sayaka continues. "It's because I could ruin your life without any effort, with those same fake tears for example. Do you know how many people would jump at the chance to avenge me?"_

_"A-Avenge...?"_

_Sayaka bursts into tears. "H-Hitomi-san was so cruel to me... I-I thought she was my friend, but all along she was just using me to get more popular..." She stops abruptly and calmy asks: "Do you understand what I mean?"_

_"You... I..." Hitomi stammers. "Why are you doing this to me?"_

_"Because nothing in the world is more important to me than my career." Sayaka simply says. "And if you try to ruin it, I will ruin you. Even though you'd fail if you tried. Got it?"_

_Hitomi's face is wet with tears. She doesn't say anything for a long time. When she does, her voice is eerily calm. "How can you be so cruel?" She asks. "How can you be so selfish?"_

_Swallowing the bile in her throat, Sayaka says: "This is how the world works. Get used to it."_

_"You're horrible..." Hitomi whispers. "I can't believe I wanted-" She chokes out a sob. "I hate you. I hate you..."_

_"I don't care if you hate me." Sayaka walks past her to the door, opening it. "I think this conversation is over, Hitomi-san."_

_Not saying another word, Hitomi turns around and, without looking at her, proceeds to walk towards the door._

_Before she can leave, Sayaka steps in front of her. "I need your word you won't tell anyone, Hitomi-san. A simple 'yes' is enough."_

_The glare Hitomi gives her in response is murderous, but Sayaka has had staring contests that were more difficult. She holds the other girl's gaze until Hitomi gives up, staring at the floor instead. "Yes."_

_One small word, filled with so much contempt._

_"Good." Sayaka steps away from the door. After Hitomi walks outside, she closes it behind her and locks it._

_A minute passes. Sayaka leans against the door, her eyes closed._

_Another minute passes. Sayaka slides down until she sits in front of the door, hugging her knees._

_"I'm sorry," she chokes out, finally losing the battle against the tears she's been trying to hold back as hard as she could. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."_

_It has to be this way. It's better if Hitomi can blame everything on her... isn't it? It's like Sonou said... a convenient scapegoat. Unlike her though, Hitomi really is free of most of the blame. The lie about Dad in particular..._

_She's done Hitomi a favor, hasn't she? She would have gotten into a lot of trouble..._

_"I hate this." Sayaka whispers to herself. "I hate everything about this."_

_She hates Sonou  and she selfishly hates Amane, but most of all... she hates herself._

_Yet she still hates these other people, even though she's brought it all on herself. How horrible of her..._

_How disgusting of her..._

_"It's like Sonou-san said," she mutters. "I can- I can still make people feel happy... and inspired."_

_The words are true, aren't they? Then why do they feel so empty and hollow?_

_Sayaka opens her phone, going through her social media. So many little girls who love her. So many little girls who want to be just like her._

_She feels sick._

_"Trust me... you don't want to be anything like me."_

_Very early... didn't she want to make other little girls happy too? Yes, she wanted to be adored and for Mother to cry, but... at some point, didn't she also want to inspire other lonely little girls like her? To make them happier and less lonely?_

_When did she forget about that? When did anything apart from fame and success stop mattering to her?_

_"I- I'm going to change. I promise. I promise I'm going to change. I'm going to be nicer and... I'm going to make people happy. I promise, I promise."_

_Sayaka chants the words to herself over and over, sniffling all the while._

_Above all else, she wants to call Dad. She wants to tell him she's sorry for everything, for hating him unfairly over all these years. She hasn't talked,_ really _talked to him in a long time now._

_She can't call him though. She's sure he'd forgive her... but she doesn't deserve the comfort. She'd be calling him only to feel better about herself, and she can't do that to him. But she will. She will talk to him once some time has passed. She wants to tell him about her crime too, but she doesn't want to burden him with it. His only daughter being such a bad person... it would hurt him._

_How could anyone love her, if they knew about the things she has done?_

  _If only there was someone out there who wouldn't judge her too much. Someone who would understand. Someone who would forgive her. Someone who..._

_(And how selfish she is for thinking that.)_

_Someone who might have done some terrible things too._

_And much later, when she would attend Hope's Peak Academy, when she would spot Ishimaru loudly speaking to Ikusaba, Sayaka considers something._

_She wants to talk to every girl in her class, yes, and she's been thinking of Ikusaba Mukuro in particular._

_The Ultimate Soldier. She's surprisingly cute, but more importantly..._

_What kind of terrible things might someone like her have done?_

_Would someone like her understand? Would someone like her forgive?_

_Sayaka approaches Ikusaba, who looks as though she's half-considering just walking away from Ishimaru's lectures, preparing a charming smile._

_(She really is nothing but an awful, selfish person. She hasn't learned at all, has she?)_

_"Excuse me, you two?"_

* * *

 


End file.
